Altered

Xander lay in the hospital bed, staring at the ceiling. The very familiar ceiling. He had been in the same bed for nine weeks. Nine weeks since the earthquake. Nine weeks since the building he had been working on had collapsed in the tremor. Nine weeks since he had been buried alive underneath it. Nine weeks since his broken body had been dug out. Nine weeks since he had had a life. Nine weeks since he had had a future.

The doctors said he was lucky. ´You should be dead,´ they said. ´I am,´ he thought, but didn´t bother replying.

His friends tried to be cheerful.

´There´s lots of things you can do´

´You´re still our Xander–shaped friend´

´It could be worse´

´We love you´.

But he knew.

He couldn´t do anything useful.

He wasn´t very Xander–shaped anymore.

It couldn´t be a hell of a lot worse and he didn´t want their pitying love.

The doctors had removed what was left of his right leg, leaving a short stump. They´d saved the knee on his left leg ´isn´t that wonderful Mr Harris?´ and used reconstructive surgery to re–attach his ear and rebuild his jaw ´the surgeons did a wonderful job, Mr Harris´.

He couldn´t work.

He couldn´t patrol.

He couldn´t walk.

Xander was grateful his jaw was wired shut. He had nothing to say.

He was also grateful for the pain of his broken ribs, collar bone, arm, fingers, face, internal injuries and all the other assorted things that made tears leak from his eyes when he did crazy things, like breathe. The pain stopped him thinking. It focused his entire world down to a point. It was the only way he knew he was still alive.

Now the pain was mostly gone. Oh, the dull aches were still there, but he barely noticed. His bones had knit back together, his bruises were gone, the cuts were all healed (surgical or otherwise), his jaw was somewhat operational again ... and he was being released.

He was to stay with Giles.

The whole crew had come in together a few days ago. He had mostly ignored them when they had visited previously and, thankfully, the visits had decreased. There was still at least one person a day rostered on for ´visiting poor Xander´ duty, but they never stayed long. He just stared out the window, vaguely listening to the rise and fall of their voices but not taking in any of the words.

This time they were more determined. He guessed they had something to do now. Step one in the fixing of Xander plan. They had already worked out he was going to stay with Giles. ´It´s the best place for you at the moment´. Since he knew there really were no other options, he agreed with a gravelly "Okay". His voice was hoarse from lack of use. He didn´t see that changing in the near future. They immediately started making plans to move rooms and furniture to accommodate his wheelchair, speaking overly brightly to ´accommodate´ his lack of enthusiasm.

Xander had already decided he would stay at Giles´ only until he could sort out somewhere for himself. His apartment was still there but it didn´t have wheelchair access. Presumably all his things were still there, but, since Anya had left him while he was in the hospital, he couldn´t be certain. Not that he blamed her. He would have left himself if he had the option. She hadn´t tried to make excuses. Just stated that she didn´t want to be with him anymore and left it at that. They both knew the reason. The fact that Xander didn´t want to be with anyone, let alone a girlfriend, just made it easier.

1 week later

It was research night at Giles´ apartment. Xander sat quietly in his wheelchair with a large book on his lap. He´d quickly figured out it was a hell of a lot easier to pretend to read than just stare at nothing, like he wanted to. The girls were chatting and flitting around like birds. He got a fleeting impression of himself as a statue in a park surrounded by pigeons, when there was a knock at the door. Giles sighed before going to get it. Since all the usual suspects were there, that only left Spike (unless Anya had come back to town, but that wasn´t too likely).

Xander hadn´t seen Spike since "The Earthquake". He always referred to his accident that way in his head, quotes and all.

"´Ello ladies." Spike sauntered into the room past a glowering Giles before he noticed Xander in the corner. "Well, well, if it isn´t the legless wonder!" he smirked, before flopping down on the couch next to him.

The twitter of the girls changed abruptly into indignant squawking. Xander just looked at Spike impassively.

"What, no witty comeback? It´s alright, deary, you´ll be better soon – oh wait – no, you won´t!" Spike patted Xander´s cheek condescendingly.

Xander´s eyes darkened as pain shot through his jaw. Most of the wiring had been removed, but it was still extremely sensitive. He blinked slowly, reveling in the sharp pain. He wondered why Spike´s chip hadn´t fired. Focusing back on the vampire, he found blue eyes gazing a him in wary puzzlement. Xander guessed the vampire could tell he was in pain and was also trying to work out why the chip hadn´t reacted. Taking a quick look around to check no one was watching, the vampire looked Xander straight in the eye and reached out to give his forearm a sharp pinch.

It hurt. Not a lot, but enough to give Xander a brief moment of ... clarity? peace? Spike´s chip didn´t appear to react. Neither did Xander.

Spike stood up abruptly. "Change of plan, kiddies; demons to do, humans to kill."

Buffy laughed at him. "You wish, fangless!" Spike just grinned evilly at her and left.

Xander looked back down at his book.

a few weeks later

Xander finally had his own place. The single story house already had wheelchair access from the previous resident and the owners wanted a quick sale, so he had not only been able to afford it with his insurance payout, but also to move in straight away. Which in no way explained why he was sitting in Giles´ living room rather than his own. That was more to do with getting the gang off his back about not being very sociable. Unfortunately for Xander, there were no demons needing research so they were sitting around chatting and eating pizza. He really wasn´t very hungry these days and the cheerful chattering was starting to grate. The other reason he had agreed to come was curiosity.

Ever since his brief encounter with Spike almost a month ago he had been thinking – not an occupation he had spent much time doing prior to, "The Earthquake". Now, however, he found he had a lot of free time and no obligations. At first he had spent a good deal of each day just sitting at his window staring at the sky. He found if he concentrated on it hard enough then he could stop all thoughts and forget his own existence. Apart from the effort he put into moving into his own house, it had been his main occupation. He was a rock and life just flowed on around him like a stream. He was aware of things, but they didn´t touch him.

The episode with Spike was the only thing that had caught his attention. Not only his own reaction but also the reason for Spike´s chip´s lack of reaction. After a week or so, when he hadn´t heard anything from the Scoobies, he had assumed that Spike´s chip was still active. Spike had surely had enough planning time to do some serious and rapid damage to the Scoobies once he was chipless. Ergo, chip still active – which only left the rather interesting notion that only his own pain didn´t set the chip off. Xander had pondered all this for weeks and finally concluded the only way to figure it out was to see Spike again. He hadn´t yet decided what his actions were going to be from there, but he didn´t mind ... what was there to lose anyway? He had noted that he ought to be worried for his safety or at least have mentioned the episode to the gang for their own safety, but he hadn´t. It was the sole thing of interest in what was left of his life and he wasn´t giving it up.

Xander´s reverie was interrupted by Buffy´s loud, "Xander!" Turning to face her, he realised she had been trying to get his attention for while. "Sorry Buf, I was thinking."

Buffy grinned at him. "Well, don´t try too hard, you might strain something! I was just asking if you wanted any pizza before we scoff the lot?"

Xander realised, logically, that she was just being friendly, but part of him was shrieking that he didn´t want to be here and he ought to get the fuck out right out before he threw the pizza at her pretty, smiling face. He was saved from answering by the arrival of Spike. He figured he may as well grab the bull by the horns and, backing his wheelchair away from Buffy, he turned to the vampire. "I was just telling Buffy I´m leaving – you wanna give us an escort? – I´ll swing you a bottle of something."

Spike quickly lost the slight look of surprise at Xander´s presence and was heading back out the door with a quick, "Let´s go mate", before anyone else could react. The front door closed behind them on Buffy´s, "Huh?"

Xander appreciated the way Spike didn´t try to push his wheelchair for him as they headed down the street. They walked in silence, which Xander frankly found a little odd, given the vampire´s usual constant commentary. He appreciated that, too.

Xander realised as they reached his house that he hadn´t given directions once, yet Spike knew where to go. He didn´t question how. He paused after unlocking the door, looking at the key in his hand. ´Well, curiosity killed the cat´ he thought with a quirk of his lips. "Come in, Spike."

Xander poured them both a bourbon without asking and gestured to Spike to sit down at the table. There was a long pause, eventually broken by the vampire.

S: "You know I can hurt you."

X: "Yes."

S: "Tried it out, I did. You´re the only one I can hurt."

X: "Yes."

There was a long pause...

S: "You like it."

X: "So do you."

Spike nodded.

S: "Do you want me to kill you?"

He stopped to think about that for a moment. It was tempting to say yes, but it wasn´t exactly true. He didn´t really care either way, but he did come down slightly in favour of ´no´, so he told Spike that.

Spike nodded again, clearly thinking it over. So Xander asked, out of curiosity, "Will you?"

Spike gave him a half smirk, and replied, "You´re prob´ly the only bloody human I´ll get to play with for a while, so I figure I´ll make the most of it." He gave Xander an evil leer, then added, "Don´t worry pet, I don´t like to use my pressies up all in one go."

Xander swiftly came to a conclusion. "If we´re gonna do this we´re gonna need some rules."

Spike leaned in close with a smirk, "What´s to stop me just doing whatever the hell I want, pet?"

Xander didn´t flinch. "Buffy and the others."

Spike withdrew but kept the smirk. "Point, pet, so what are these rules of yours?"

Xander held up a finger. "Obviously, the details of this arrangement do not leave this house." Lifting up a second finger, "No serious or incapacitating injuries." He didn´t bother making a ´no killing´ rule – Spike would either kill him or not, rules wouldn´t change that. "That´s it."

"Sounds fair," Spike replied, then thought for a moment. It was a shame he couldn´t rip the boy to shreds, but making him hurt and bleed then fucking him like that would still be fun. He was going to say that to Xander, but then figured it would be more fun to just do it. He would just have to make sure Xander enjoyed it too. Recalling those brown eyes darkening with pleasurable pain, he didn´t think it would be too difficult.

Xander nodded in agreement, "Done."

Spike stood up abruptly. "I´ll be back after dark tomorrow." He headed out the door at a wave from Xander, his mind already occupied with the things he had to do.

The sun was just setting. Xander had cleared out his spare room and put sheets on the double bed. He wasn´t sure how Spike wanted to do things, but he figured he´d rather be comfortable. He´d also had a bar fridge delivered and set up in the room, then stocked it with juice for him (for blood loss) and beer for Spike. Apart from the bed and the fridge, there was only a bare desk in the room. He thought it would do.

Xander was confident Spike would arrive come nightfall. The deal they had made was too ideal for either of them to back out. He had no illusions about Spike´s intentions, but he knew Spike wouldn´t want to risk Buffy finding out. On the other hand, it was pretty much a given that Spike would get away with as much as he could. Not long after Spike had left the previous night, Xander had come to the conclusion that Spike would undoubtedly include sex in the list of allowable things to do. He figured the guy would totally get off on the blood and pain, so sex was a natural progression. He didn´t mind. It felt like it wasn´t really his body anymore so Spike may as well enjoy it. And hell, it wasn´t like a girl would ever look at him again anyway.

There was a knock at the door.

Spike stood there in his usual garb, carrying a duffle bag. "Come in," Xander said formally, "I have a room set up." He turned and rolled silently down the hall with Spike following. He paused in the doorway and ushered the vampire in before him.

Spike observed the room with a practiced eye and set his duffle down on the desk. "It´ll do." He opened the fridge to peer inside but didn´t take anything. Turning to Xander, he looked pointedly at him. "You waitin´ for an invitation then, mate?"

Xander rolled into the room but waited for Spike to make the next move.

Spike started rummaging in his bag with his back to Xander, but said over his shoulder, "Clothes off, face down on the bed."

Xander paused for a moment, just looking at Spike, then silently moved to comply. He maneuvered himself onto the bed then removed his pinned cargos and navy t–shirt and folded them carefully onto his wheelchair. As he was settling himself on his stomach he heard the tinkle of metal. "Don´t need them," he told the vampire without moving his head.

Spike looked at the handcuffs in his hands, then at the naked man on the bed. "You really reckon you can keep still?"

Xander almost smiled for the first time since "The Earthquake". "Trust me."

Spike tossed them down with a shrug and picked up a slim, razor sharp knife.

Xander felt cool hands ghosting over him as if savouring the expanse of relatively unmarked skin, then a sharp sting as a blade was drawn slowly across his lower back. The pain was like a tickle in his mind to start with, then deepened until his entire being was focused on it. The point of the knife was drawn back and forth across his back, followed swiftly by a cool tongue lapping up the blood. The combination of burning and cooling heightened his feelings even more, until tears were silently trickling down his cheeks to fall, unnoticed by either man, into the pillow.

Spike began on Xander´s lower back, then slowly worked up to his neck, making small delicate slices in a criss–crossing pattern. He kept each line even and straight, admiring his artwork as he went. As the blood sprang to the surface he reached down to lick it, carefully savouring each drop of warm, fresh, human blood, straight from the source. It was nearly an hour later by the time he reached Xander´s neck. He had to give the man credit – he hadn´t moved a muscle the entire time. Admittedly, Spike was being a lot slower and more careful than his usual modus operandi. He was enjoying the blood and the beautiful image layed out before him too much to want to rush it. Naked, vulnerable bleeding human – what could be better? The sight, combined with the fresh blood coursing through his system, was arousing him more by the second, so he decided it was time to turn up the heat.

Spike slowly trailed the knife down Xander´s back, raising a light pink line through the pattern of cuts. When he reached Xander´s buttocks he pressed harder, drawing a line of blood down to the uneven stumps of each leg, then up the inside and just grazing the back of the balls resting there. He smelt the increased arousal at that action and carefully repeated it a few times, shifting Xander´s legs to get better access as he trailed the knife. When Xander started to pant, he laid down the knife and undid his own fly, not bothering to remove his jeans. Retrieving the lube he had bought, he quickly stroked some onto his hard shaft.

Xander was flying in a sea of red. The pain was perfect, but when Spike grazed his sensitive sack, it reached a whole new level. He vaguely noticed Spike stop for a moment, then felt a pillow being thrust under his hips. He had not had time to process the information before he felt his buttocks being parted and something blunt nudging his hole ... right before it was brutally shoved inside. He felt himself involuntarily shrinking back from the invasion with a gasp, before it was partially removed then pushed in again at a different angle. The explosion of pleasure on top of the intense pain made him shudder with a low moan. Spike pulled back, then savagely thrust in again at the same angle, pounding into Xander again and again until Xander felt his body explode into pure white fire as he came for the first time in months. Spike quickly followed as Xander´s body spasmed, shooting into him with a hoarse cry before collapsing on top of him, panting hard.

Xander felt Spike´s cock soften within him, but he didn´t move as Spike lay there, covering him ... inside him ... pressing down on the beautiful pain on his back. For the first time since "The Earthquake", he felt at peace. He smiled through the tears.

Xander was waiting for Spike again. He had spent all day thinking about the previous night. Not only the purifying pain and sex, but also the care Spike had taken in bringing him some juice and cleaning him up, before slipping out the door with a "tomorrow – sunset". Mostly, though, he thought about the contented feeling he had had for those few minutes after Spike collapsed on top of him. He wanted that feeling again. He craved it.

He still had the pain. All day, whenever he had moved he had felt his back and his sore arse. In truth, though, the pain in his back was no where near as bad as it should have been. Maybe there was something in that vampire healing saliva myth after all? Xander wasn´t fussed. It just meant they could do it again sooner. The pain was good and it definitely helped him get through his day, but it just didn´t compare to Spike´s deliberate cutting or his vicious fucking. He needed what only Spike could give him. He needed Spike.

Xander was waiting for Spike again. They had worked out a sort of routine over the last month. Spike would come by after dark. He would do whatever he wanted, so long as there was pain for Xander and at least a little blood for Spike. Sometimes he would fuck him, sometimes not. They didn´t talk more than a few words to each other in a night. Spike would always make sure Xander had a drink. Spike would always leave straight after. Xander didn´t bother buying beer for Spike anymore.

Xander spent most days waiting. Sometimes he would zone out like he used to, but mostly he just waited. Sometimes, Xander allowed himself to hope that Spike would kill him. Occasionally he would allow himself to hope that Spike might fuck him and give him those few short minutes afterwards when he would collapse on top of him. Sometimes he did. Sometimes he didn´t. Xander knew better than to ask for it. He would not risk the arrangement they had just for that. Spike was a soulless vampire. He took care of Xander enough to ensure there would be no repercussions for himself, but that was all. Spike enjoyed what Xander could provide, but he didn´t need it like Xander did.

Xander stopped seeing his friends all together. He rarely left the house now. There was no reason to. The only thing he needed or wanted was what Spike could give him. He just wasn´t sure what that was.

It was nearly dark. Spike would be coming soon. Xander waited.

The End

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