In the Touching – Tears
I woke up when the door slammed shut behind you. I knew where you were going. I wonder what the proper reaction to your actions is. Should I feel cared for, possibly loved? Those emotions are foreign, distant. They swirl in the back of my mind. I reach out to touch them to capture them, but they slip through my fingers. All I feel is a kind of curiosity. I wonder what you are doing to him. Will you come back to me covered in blood?
I hear the door open, quietly this time. I look over to the doorway waiting to see you. You appear. I´m surprised. Your clothes are neat, your skin is clear of bruises, and I don´t see any blood. For a minute I wonder if perhaps you couldn´t find him. Then my eyes meet yours and I know that you found him. There is satisfaction in your eyes. Your eyes remain locked with mine for a while, and then they drift over the rest of my body.
I´m still naked and I lay spread out on top of the covers. You don´t make any move towards the bed and suddenly I´m tired of being stared at. I reach out a hand and almost lazily beckon you over to the bed. When you reach the side of the bed I´m not sure what to do. You don´t sit down on the bed. You just stand there by the side of the bed. On impulse I reach out and take your hand. At first I just hold it and its almost as if we are shaking hands. I try and find the appropriate words. I can´t so instead I lace my fingers through yours. Your mouth curves in a ghost of a smile and you sit down on the edge of the bed.
The rough fabric of your jeans catches on the bare skin of my side. I want to thank you. It seems appropriate some how. I just can´t wrap my mouth around the words. Instead I ask you to kiss me. I would kiss you but I can´t find the energy to sit up. You hesitate and open your mouth to speak. I stop your words by saying please.
The feel of your mouth is familiar, cool and slick over mine. I reach up my free hand and curl it lightly around the back of your neck. I can feel the edges of your hair. The kiss is over and you pull back. My hand slides off your neck and falls back to my side. Our hands are still clasped together. If I don´t say something soon you´ll leave. I ask you to stay. You nod your agreement. You stand and our hands slip apart. I find myself missing the weight of your hand. I watch as you again take off your clothes. I almost smile when I notice that you left my boxers on.
Your hands play with the waistband of the boxers as you try and decide whether or not to take them off. I make the decision for you when I ask you to take them off. Naked you walk over and settle on the bed next to me. You make no move to touch me. That wasn´t what I had in mind. I prop myself up on my elbow and look down at you. I lean down and kiss you. I relinquish control of the kiss to you. In the slide of tongues I imagine that I can taste the traces of my blood.
By the end of the kiss I´m flat on my back again and your body is draped on top of mine. This is my way of thanking you. This is all I know to do. You pause between kisses and ask me if I´m sure. You tell me I don´t have to do this. I´m sure.
It is only when you are finally inside me that I realize something. There are only two people in this bed. The sounds of our bodies sliding together and my breathing are the only sounds I hear. He isn´t here. I watch you slide into game face as you crash into release. I follow you. For the first time I leave my eyes open.
The salt of the tears on my lips is a shock. He isn´t here and I´m still crying. I part my lips and feel the tears slide into my mouth. I want to say something but can´t. These tears aren´t for him. They are for the things I can´t say to you. They are for emotions I can´t remember how to feel. I see the understanding in your eyes. I close my eyes. I feel your mouth on mine sharing the taste of my tears
The End
