Moment
Note: Plotless follow up to For Giving. Xander POV.
Angel´s touching me. Not to hit me, or to feed me to Spike–– oh, and doesn´t *that* memory send an extra shock to my cock–– (when he lifted me up and plunged his fangs towards my neck, and the hallelujah–gratitude and terrifying disappointment when Spike stopped it. Twice. I nearly cried.) ––but this time, it´s not like that. Because Angel´s touching me gently, and it´s–– oh God–– not my neck he´s sucking.
Why is he being so gentle? Stroking me–– the word ´reverently´ is coming into my mind but that isn´t a word that´s ever going to belong in the same sentence as Xander, though my lips are shaping it silently.
It´s insane, too insane, makes me want to lash out with my hands or hips. Protest it and deny it and celebrate it..–– Reverently. Me. Xander. Angel. Makes no sense–– but I don´t dare break whatever spell Angel´s under. Doesn´t he know it´s me anymore? Is he thinking of someone else? (doubt he ever touched Spike this way. Maybe Buffy. If she had a penis. But she doesn´t. As far as I know anyway. Shut up Xander. I didn´t need that visual and definitely didn´t need to get turned on by it. Turned more on. But if she had a penis he might touch it like this.)
And it´s still me, Xander, who has my cock there in Angel´s mouth, and *no one* touches me that way. Not soft, caressing, not with that look on their face.
I could come any second but he´s not quite letting me, as if he wants this to last. Cos my cock´s right in his cold vampire throat right now, hands way too strong on my hips, making me thrust too... too... slowly. So much control there, making me crazy. Crazy, crazy, till I´m *gone*, so insane that this makes some kind of sense, feels right. Just... letting. Myself be loved.
Gotta laugh at that thought but it feels like that, shit, it really does. Not romance love or lifetime love, just eternal for this moment my hips in this exact slow rhythm that they´ve been in for always somewhere else. In the same universe where that sentence actually makes sense. He´s changing it now, thrusting me harder and faster–– how can he *do* that, doesn´t it hurt him? or doesn´t he care? And oh Christ, coming now, and reality biting, and I´m coming down Angel´s throat. I´m. Coming. Down Angel´s. Throat. and now I´ve done it, this has gotta be the insult he finally kills me for.
But no, he just pushes me back from him a little and gets up, one hand still resting on my ass as he looks into my face, and for absolutely the first time ever, I see him smile. He might be laughing at me but that´s OK, I´m red and confused with my trousers round my ankles, and that must be funny to look at, if you´re a fully dressed perfect–haired very cool vampire who´s showing absolutely no sign of what he just did, except–– ha! the bulge in the front of his trousers. Got him, he is human after all, well, no, he isn´t, but he feels –– things at least, and now I´m remembering all the things he said to me about pain.
It´s that as much as anything that makes me kneel down, maybe I can minimise the price of the facefuck by doing–– whatever I can–– for Angel, but he strokes my hair, tells me to get up.
"I have to sleep now. Have to think as well." He walks to his own room, leaving me here with walls, and a ceiling, and... everything.
Thinking. Hah. One of his favourite pastimes by all accounts. Not at all one of mine, but I´m doing it now.
Cos I still don´t know why Angel did that, who he thinks I am. Flashing on the Valentine spell–– but that sure as hell didn´t make people gentle, caring, no–one ever wants that from me.
And wasn´t it just fucking typical, and embarrassing, that a love spell for Xander would mirror the inside of my head so exactly, show the whole world what I know about me.
Xandermeat, as if there´s a law that allows anyone who wants to come and carve pieces out of me. Always losing fights cos it´s against–– some invisible set of rules–– for me to win them. And I have to stop people seeing that, somehow, stop them seeing that somehow I can´t stop them from cutting me into pieces. That it´s what I´m for.
Used to like fairytales far too much, Willow would read them with me all earnest, the wolf or the witch just going to *eat you up*–– I could imagine that. Never believed it when Red Riding Hood escaped.
And then vampires, so that even your best friend turns on you, wants to devour you. That´s when I knew it was really really true, that I was just meat walking around and it was only a matter of time before something just *took* me.
I thought it was my time. Angel said it, didn´t he, he wanted to cut me open, and then why didn´t he? Touched me like I was precious, instead, and I felt it too. Worst part, I felt it. My whole body believed, liquid light running all through me until it was too much and I shut it off, but I felt it.
Precious. Important. Valuable. Real. Sucker, Stupid to have believed, stupid stupid Xander, but I believed it, I bought it and I can´t quite let it go.
