But I Love You 26b
6 March, Tuesday, 2001
5.00 pm
True to his earlier words, it had been a busy day.
From the time Lukas had left, Xander hadn´t really stopped. First on the day´s agenda had been to call Giles and inform the older man that Spike had made some sort of improvement and again, Xander had had to sit and listen to Giles worry about just how to tell Buffy about what Riley had done to Spike. As he had sat on the bathroom floor, alternately giving Spike´s face what he hoped were reassuring pats and making comments in response to Giles´ conversation, Xander realised that he was somewhat relieved that he wasn´t the unfortunate person who had to break Buffy´s heart.
As much as he hated Riley and was sometimes annoyed by Buffy´s attitude towards him, Xander did have to admit that they made for an ´all American´ poster couple and not only that, but Buffy was genuinely in love with Riley. Xander had longed to tell Giles about his suspicions of what Angel was going to do to Riley once the vampire caught up with the taller blond but there was no way that he wanted Buffy to find out about it and be able to link to back to him and Spike. If that happened, then Xander could quite literally kiss Spike goodbye as the former bleached blond got staked by an irate Slayer. As for himself, Xander had only been able to grimace in distaste at the thought of Buffy being angry with him.
He had only really been able to offer his sympathies to Giles for the older man having to be the one to break the news to Buffy and as he had done so, Xander had vowed to be a good friend and be as supportive as Buffy needed and for as long as she asked him to be. Hanging up from Giles, Xander´s stomach had decided that one cup of coffee in over 24 hours did not make for reasonable sustenance and with the more than subtle hint of an angrily growling stomach, Xander had reluctantly left Spike´s side to scrounge up some breakfast for himself. Two cheese and ham sandwiches, complete with stale bread, and Xander managed to gag down enough to quieten his complaining stomach for a while.
Sitting back down at Spike´s side with a cup of coffee in his hand, Xander had steeled himself to call Angel in LA, a very less than welcome task especially as Spike´s Sire had made it perfectly clear that he wasn´t going to be helping either Spike or himself again. Still, even with that knowledge, Xander had felt obliged to at least give Deadboy and Wesley a courtesy call to tell them how Spike was doing. A phone call that had taken less than a few minutes to complete thanks to Angel´s bluntness, Xander in slight shock of how rude Angel had been in the end. The words of ´don´t call here again unless it´s only to speak to Cordelia, Wes and I don´t want to know´ rang in his ears as Angel had none too gently hung up first.
Disappointed by Angel’s attitude and yet not really expecting anything more, Xander had been more than safe in the knowledge that no matter how much the older vampire disliked him and Spike, the details as to the true nature of his relationship would be kept safe from Cordelia until Xander himself made the decision to tell his former girlfriend that he was now as good in stuffing up relationships with the other team as he was with women.
Putting aside his disappointment over Angel, Xander had rung the small supermarket in Pennington’s Mall, ordering bread, milk and enough bare essentials to see him through until Lukas came over on Thursday or Friday. Asking for them to be delivered, Xander had next called the local pharmacy, getting advice from the pharmacy assistant Julie on how to treat extremely dry skin. Xander had gotten Julie to add the sorbalene/10% glycerin cream and Dermaveen Oatmeal Bath Soak to the Supermarket delivery before making another phone call to the supermarket to add a bottle of extra–light Olive Oil to the order. Once he had Spike´s bed made, Xander would soak Spike in a luke warm Dermaveen bath before patting the vampire dry and smothering him in a mixture of the olive oil and sorbalene/glyercin. All in an effort to make the cracked dry skin less painful for Spike and hopefully speeding up his recovery.
With all the important phone calls out of the way, Xander had placed a last call to Mac at work to explain why he wouldn´t be in until Spike was feeling better. After spending a few minutes downplaying his bosses concern with Spike’s well being, Xander had been somewhat relieved that he would be able to take all the holiday´s due to him as well as the four Rostered Day´s Off that he had been saving up. When asked if he might need more time off other than the two and a half weeks owed to him, Xander had been unable to hold back a wave of shame as he had quietly stated that he had no idea just how long it was going to take Spike to get better.
A groan from Spike had seen him almost throw the phone across the room in fright, a hurried goodbye to Mac and Xander had been instantly transfixed by the wretched creature curled in the bathtub. Hesitantly, Xander had spoken softly to Spike, encouraging him to open his eyes or move all the while trying to make sure his voice radiated with happiness. Even if Xander was exhausted, he made sure that Spike didn´t hear it. For over an hour, Xander had touched Spike all over, his face twisted in a grimace as he forced himself to ignore his revulsion at making contact with the dry cracked skin and to give Spike the reassurance that he needed.
Once, Spike´s eyes had fluttered open, the vampire staring straight ahead for a mere few seconds before the eyelids had drooped shut again. In that moment, Xander´s heart had skipped a beat as he had seen just how lifeless they were. Spike’s limbs had twitched and jerked continually, Xander putting it down to Angel´s blood still working its way through Spike’s traumatised body.
Finally, Xander had to heed the urgent call of nature and leave Spike’s side once again. As stupid as it was, Xander had given a weak chuckle as he had turned his back towards Spike while he had attempted to pee into the toilet, all in the name of giving himself more privacy.
"Jesus... not like Spike hasn´t seen my dick before," said Xander with another little half–hearted chuckle as he tucked himself away and adjusted his track pants. Of course Spike had seen his penis before, but never had Spike been in the bathroom along with Xander when, according to Spike, Xander indulged in ´gross human stuff... like, making a donation in the sewerage appeal´, therefore, Xander couldn´t help but feel a little strange at having another presence in the room. Albeit, a virtually comatose presence.
There *had* been one scary confrontation when Xander had accidentally run out of toilet paper and had had to threaten Spike with a kicked arse before a fresh roll had been thrown at him through a barely open door.
Threaten?
Kick Spike’s arse?
"Nah, lets face it. Would be more like a couple a kicks in the ribs... punch in the face, Hell, how about a good ol´ fisting?" Gazing at himself in the medicine cabinet’s mirror, Xander noted the dark circles underneath his eyes, the overgrown five o´clock shadow and a lone smear of dried blood that stained one cheek. He felt like crap and obviously, he looked like it as well. However, Xander was unable to ignore the thrum of excitement that flared up within him at the obscene thought of thrusting a clenched fist deep inside the stretched rectum of a bound and helpless Spike even as he silently directed the question to himself. As he stared into the mirror, Xander was disgusted with himself as he reluctantly acknowledged that, once again, it was the whole issue of Spike being helpless and relying solely on him that made the fantasy so much more appealing. Suddenly, even as he gripped the sides of the small hand basin tightly, Xander let his head fall forward, sighing raggedly as his forehead thumped none too gently onto the smooth surface. "Sick. Fuck, I have to be to keep thinking this shit is normal. Oh. Sick... sick... sick but let’s not forget about being a liar and a coward. Oh yeah, major passing rate in those."
His head still against the mirror, Xander turned slightly so that he was looking towards the bathtub and its lone occupant. Raising his voice, Xander repeated his promise to Spike as the vampire opened and closed his mouth in quick repetition. "I swear to God Spike, to anyone who is listening right now… I swear that I *will* get help. I promise to be a better man. I wanna be so good to you that you´ll want to stay, not because you´re afraid I´m gonna go mental and hurt you if you leave but… Because. You. Want. To. Stay."
Xander´s voice tapered off as he continued his promise to Spike. After a moment, he spoke again but in such a quiet tone, he was really only mouthing the words. "I promise that I will love you. I don´t know when, oh fuck, or even if I ever will. I´m so sorry but I promise to at least try."
Slowly, Xander turned away from Spike, twisting the taps at the basin so a lukewarm stream of water ran over his dirty hands. His mind whirling with the idea that he could one day come to love Spike, Xander set about washing his hands of the dried blood, continuing to clean himself up to the elbows before turning off the taps and drying his hands and arms with a towel taken from underneath the bathroom sink. Somewhat mechanically, Xander rubbed the stiff towel over himself, his thoughts concentrating on the relationship between himself and the vampire.
Could he ever really love Spike? This was the foremost question swirling around his mind and as another thought occurred to him, Xander dropped the towel on the floor and without another look towards Spike, walked out to the cabin’s main room. Sitting heavily on the couch, Xander forced himself to forgo his usual tendency to ignore any serious matters and instead, concentrate on the matters at hand. With a deep breath, Xander prepared himself to face the ugly and violent truth of his relationship with Spike.
He didn´t love Spike. That was much was clear and something that Xander had already admitted to Spike a few months earlier but the fact remained, he did more than just like Spike. Even though they had been having sex for over a year, in the beginning, Xander hadn´t even remotely attempted to like Spike. Instead, he had relished the power of having a once powerful enemy at his beck and call, an enemy that was, for the most part, no better than a savage animal.
"Oh God, I can´t believe I just thought that!" groaned Xander, dropping his head into his hands even as he mentally nodded to himself that yes, no matter how often vampires displayed human traits and emotions, Xander had always considered them no more than smart but evil animals. Even finding the horrifically injured Spike had done nothing to change his mind, Xander only going so far as to think along the lines of Spike as a brain damaged and badly spooked dog. The same dog that needed to be ´reminded´ every now and again.
"I am *such* a pig but hey, Giles´ fault as well." Xander admitted with a false nonchalance, putting some of the blame on an ex–Watcher who hadn´t done anything to change Xander´s opinion once he had aired it a few times. Actually, that wasn´t fair, Xander decided. Although Giles hadn´t said that Xander´s opinion was wrong, the older man hadn´t said it was right either, instead letting all three of the friends go along thinking that they were helping to rid the world of an overabundance of vicious animals. Of course, when it came down to the crunch, all that mattered was that Buffy didn´t think too much about these types of things and just did her job. Xander found himself suppressing a small shudder as he had a vision of a Slayer who refused to do her job simply because she didn´t want to kill sentient beings and Xander wasn´t even going to drag the example of Angel into his thoughts. Sometimes, ignorance was bliss and as Sunnydale had proved, ignorance could be the safest option and the most lethal.
However, no matter what Giles did or did not say back in Sunnydale, there was no excuse for Xander to continue the abuse of an ´animal´ that others had started.
Sitting stock still for a moment, Xander felt a wave of guilt flow through him as he couldn´t help but recall the night in the basement in which he had started his Claiming of Spike. Nor could he deny how powerful he had felt as his hands had twisted between silky bleached locks of hair all the while causing Spike to gag in panic as he had concentrated in forcing his cock as far down the vampire’s throat as he could before adding to Spike’s debasement by withdrawing and cuming on the pale face.
Xander had been in the throes of one of his rare black moods, an occasion where his temper surpassed his usual anger. Even though he knew he had a shocking temper, Xander frequently getting angry and upset, he had always managed to hide it from his friends by the way of joking around all the while allowing his anger to build until he was able to go home and let it out with no–one around, bar the basement walls, to witness it. The next day, Xander would have to step around shredded clothing, broken dishes, smashed glasses and other goods he had literally torn apart with his bare hands, all too often having to stop at Walmart on his way home to buy one or two posters to cover up the new dents and cracks in the basement walls. Something he hadn´t had to do in a while because as horrible as it was to admit, Xander had found that punching and kicking Spike was a fantastic form of release. That night however, he hadn´t meant to Claim Spike.
Even though his next thought was causing him to squirm in shame, Xander forced himself to follow its lead. No, he had had no intention of sticking his dick anywhere near Spike but as he had grabbed at the cowering vampire with sole purpose of giving Spike a good belting, Xander had been subject to a sight that he had never seen before. A vampire cowering from him. Not just any run of the mill vampire but Spike, William the Bloody who had countless kills under his belt and always sneered at him, only ever having a cruel taunt for someone he considered well below him, even with the chip. A once proud individual that had never given him a second thought, let alone a first, was frightened of him, Xander Harris the lowly donut boy. As he had stood over Spike, years of frustration and embarrassment of being everyone’s whipping boy had come to a head and without a second thought as he had recalled what he had read in one of Giles´ hidden books, Xander had switched over to auto–pilot, and let himself get lost in the pleasure of becoming the Alpha.
The next day, even though Xander had been aghast by what he had done, he had been unable to feel too guilty by his actions and had felt justified when he had seen how submissive Spike was towards him. As far as Xander had been concerned, Spike now knew who the boss was. Still, Xander had made a point of apologising to Spike only because he had been unsettled by the way Spike had flinched every time he had come near him. And so, a pattern of abuse had been set. One that was still continuing.
Never had a whole week gone by without Xander yelling at Spike for some small thing whether it be that Spike had flooded the bathroom, broken a plate while drying the dishes or...
"Punchin´ the shit outta him just because he´s already cringing from me," Said Xander as he finished off his train of thought. "Jesus, I don´t have a boyfriend...lover...or even a fucking friend… I have a victim. I have my Mom! Sure, he doesn´t hit back like she does but he´s still like my Mom."
Xander was horrified by his thoughts. As bad as he already knew the relationship was, it was only by sitting down and consciously thinking about it that really showed how skewed it actually was.
But still the fact remained, as much as Xander was bad for Spike´s well–being, being around the vampire had allowed Xander to make decisions that he normally would never had had the opportunity to make.
For example, deciding he was mature enough to make the conscious decision of taking on the responsibility of Spike´s well–being... well, OK, he obviously wasn´t good for Spike at all but he had actually been the only one out of his friends, including Willow and Tara, who had agreed to allow Spike to stay with him. Of course, the discussion had only taken place after Xander had Claimed Spike so it was inevitable that Xander´s property was going to stay where it belonged, not that he had ever come right out and dared call Spike that to his face.
Another big change had been Xander becoming comfortable in being attracted to another male, never mind the fact that Spike had made for the only non–threatening male in his life to experiment with. Even if Xander had only found himself accepting his sexuality within the confines of the basement and later, the apartment, it had still been a huge step for him to even be able to admit he was attracted to other men. Xander had continued to exploit Spike’s vulnerability, content to ignore the vampire whenever he had dared try to voice his opinion regarding one of Xander´s decisions. It had only been after Spike had been forced to tell Xander who had attacked him in the crypt that Xander had started to accept that Spike wasn´t just a brain–damaged animal needing ´reminders´ every so often. Xander had realised that vampires could be hurt emotionally and psychologically, especially as he had put two and two together, finally working out why Spike had hidden every time Riley had come around to the apartment.
On being told of whom had permanently damaged Spike, Xander had found himself beyond angry, and for the first time since Spike had moved in with him, more than a little worried about the vampire’s safety. Shifting slightly in his seat, Xander felt himself go red as he pushed ahead with his current thought. If he was going to be truthful with himself, then he had to state the bald truth. He had been more concerned with getting his property damaged than anything else.
"And what did I do?" Xander muttered to himself. "Gave him a few kicks, a couple of punches and told him to stay inside… all for his own ´safety´"
His words ending with a self depreciating snort, Xander let himself continue with his soul searching. "Shit, it´s *me* he needs to be kept safe from."
Fuck, Xander thought, even when he had been nice to Spike, he had only done it to apologise for terrifying the vampire. All the new nail polishes, the collection of ´I´m sorry, come on... you know it´s my temper´ punk rock CDs and even the rare outings to the movies had been pathetic attempts at glossing over his temper issues. What had been more pathetic had been how cautiously happy Spike had been to receive them. Xander could almost see Spike smiling hesitantly even as the vampire slowly reached out a pale hand to take a gift bag from Xander´s hands. Hell, even the gift bags hadn´t lasted long, after the first few months, Spike had been lucky to get a crumpled pre–used paper bag.
Cringing in on himself, Xander gave a low moan as he recalled how excited Spike had been each time Xander had given him permission to go shopping with Willow and Tara. Xander had never straight out said, ´You have the permission to socialise´ but that´s what it boiled down to. Each time the girls had come over to see if Xander wanted to go shopping with them, Spike had always hung back until Xander had indicated that Spike was to come as well. A Master giving his slave permission to venture forth, the privilege of being at his Master´s side in public.
"He would just stand there, all quiet and... and... waiting," Xander stated to the otherwise silent room, his eyes starting to burn as a fresh flood of tears threatened to fall. "I mean, he isn´t my slave and he sure as hell isn´t a dog but... I click my fingers and he jumps. Doesn´t matter how high... just does. Never really thought about it until now. Fuck, I thought we were friends."
And despite everything that Xander had inflicted on Spike, he honestly thought that they had settled into a genuine friendship. But Xander felt his stomach churn as he came to slowly realise even though Spike did like... love... him, he never would have dared treat his best friend, Willow, as inhumanely as he treated Spike every day. Actually, he wouldn´t have treated a dog as he did Spike, the thought wouldn´t even have crossed his mind. Xander thought back to his and Willow’s friendship, smiling softly to himself even as his eyes started to water. With Willow, there was everything a good friendship was built out of, love, laughter, trust, shared secrets, conversations, happiness, the occasional argument, the ability to forgive and the acceptance of change.
Xander felt his chest clench as he flitted through memories of time spent with Willow, the two of them alone together in a private place where no–one would find them. Despite both their reputations for Uber–babbling, there had been many–a–time in where a whole day had been spent in companiable silence. Both of them just relishing each other´s company. Emitting a long ragged sigh, Xander wanted nothing more to be able to unload all his troubles on his best friend but even as he was about to give into the urge to get up and make a call to Sunnydale, he knew he just couldn´t cope with Willow being disappointed and angry at him. Xander felt his ears go red in humiliation as he envisaged a phone call in where he would have to tell Willow that he was following in his father’s footsteps, Xander sniffling wetly as he imagined a soft sad ´Oh Xander´.
That´s all Willow would have to say for Xander to spin into his own version of The Shaming, not that Spike hadn´t already pushed him close to it. Nothing Willow said after those two words would make as big a dint in his self–esteem as anything else that had happened over the past few days. With another sigh, Xander forced himself back onto track regarding his thoughts on Spike.
He and Spike didn´t even have a real friendship, more of a ´do as you´re told and you won´t get a beating´ thing happening. But still, Xander had continued to make choices on what he thought was best for the vampire, even if they had been little ones and because of this, Xander had been forced to adjust his own life in various ways. The biggest conscious decision he had had to make had come as a sort of shock in as how easy it had been to make. The decision to leave his best friends, his family and work mates all to protect what was his. Spike.
But he had done it and with only a few days thought as well. Xander had been ready for a change though and Spike had really been a convenient excuse but the fact remained, it had been the threat to Spike that had forced him to finally commit to what had only been a re–occurring yet idle option.
If he thought about it properly, Xander had taken another huge step in declaring himself ´out´. Sure, he still had to tell his parents and best friends but that was easily fixed with a few phone calls. His parents would go ballistic and, as Xander could only hope, prompt his parents into cutting all bonds. Xander already knew that Willow and Tara would be there for him 100%, even long distance while Buffy would take longer but with an already cautious yet supportive Giles to work on her, Xander knew his new sexual identity wouldn´t be an issue for long. Cordelia could be relied on for a ´Well, duh!´.
Apart from Stan, his work mates hadn´t had a problem with his preferences and neither did his circle of friends in Alaska. He still wasn´t too keen on being one half of Pennington’s only ´out´ gay couple but he was getting there. To tell the truth, Xander had thought that since he was in a small town situated in a state that didn´t have the best tolerance levels, he would have met with more homophobia than he already had. Something that he was continually thankful for each time he read about the occasional gay–bashing in the Alaskan Times.
At the time though, Xander had thought that admitting his sexuality to his work mates and the true nature of his relationship with his ´cousin´ was the biggest step of his life, now however, allowing a murder to occur for the benefit of Spike was going to result in a decision with life–long ramifications. A decision that was going to be for the benefit of both Spike and Lukas.
Xander hated that it was going to happen but couldn´t help thinking that Diehl’s death would go a long way into showing Spike that he was willing to risk everything so that Spike would get well again.
Surely it proved that Xander was thinking about Spike’s needs this time and not his own? It would be another big step, this time in the right direction.
Recalling his earlier rant about doing an AA style meeting in domestic violence, Xander couldn´t help but allow his grin to get larger even as he nodded to himself. He could do that. He could get up in front of people and admit he beat Spike, sure, he would be bright red, as ashamed as Hell and more than likely wanting to punch something...
"And lets just focus on the something aspect here and not the somebody..." said Xander, a genuine grin ghosting over his face as he finally felt a glimmer of hope for his future with Spike. Yeah, he could definitely fix what he had with Spike. All it was going to take was time and patience. As he got up and walked to the main bedroom to get his bed ready for Spike, Xander steadfastly ignored the hard–on he had been sporting ever since he had gone over the first violent blow job in Sunnydale.
