But I Love You 26a

5 March, Monday, 2001

7.48pm

"Uuuuhhhhh...can you like just...ummm...run that by me again because I don´t think my brain has caught up to what you just said." questioned Xander. His hand paused in the middle of closing the cabin door, he stared unbelievingly as Lukas brushed past him and sat himself down on one of the stools by the kitchen bench.

"I know how to fix Spike." Lukas repeated. With a blank statement on his normally animated face, Lukas waited for his words to make an impact. "Is he still...alive?"

"Yeah...yeah, he is...as much as vampires can be you know, and how? How can you fix Spike? Ev...even that self–fucking–righteous prick Angel, his *Sire*, thinks Spike is go...gonna..." Choking on the last few words, Xander slowly finished pushing the door shut, leaning wearily against the solid wood as he twisted the key in the new deadlock. As Lukas started to explain, he turned to walk towards the couch, all the while trying not to acknowledge the tiny glimmer of hope that the dark man’s words were promising. "Real slow Lukas. Just tell me so totally slow. Ok?"

"Not doing good? Both of you I mean?"

"Jesus…it´s just..." With a shake of his head, Xander collapsed heavily onto the worn couch that he had restored to the living room now that he had replaced the mattresses to the bedrooms. One trembling hand rubbing at his eyes, he gestured for the older man to continue. "No. Not good at all"

"Right. I got a phone call from the – my village Elders in Fiji. I gotta go back home because I´ve failed to uphold the Tribal Council and punish Jossessi for not finishing the Kava ritual."

"Shit...You´re kidding? So...what’s gonna happen to you. Better yet...Jossessi and how does this fix Spike?" asked Xander, not quite sure what the Kava Demon was talking about and how it related even remotely to Spike’s current condition.

"Well...because I´ve ´performed´ so badly, I´m to be relieved of my duties as a Kava Law Enforcer...ostracized from my village and pretty much denied any chances of marrying my childhood sweetheart. Oh...and I won´t be welcome back in the Fiji Isles any time soon. Actually...not ever." wryly admitted Lukas, a twisted grin upon his face as he took in Xander´s confused look.

"U–huh?"

"But, if by some chance I do manage to send home a Kava soaked heart, I get ´promoted´ to being the Alaskan Kava Law Enforcer...my fiancée comes over for a permanent extended stay, I promise never to show my face in Fiji again and nothing about this is ever mentioned again."

"Shit. Again. Everything gets swept under the carpet...just like that?" Xander questioned, still wondering what Lukas´ Kava Laws had to do with Spike.

"Exactly. Providing I send them a heart", nodded the dark man, his smile growing a little wider as he watched Xander try to puzzle it together.

"A heart? Like as in what gives me a pulse...a heart?"

"Exactly. A *human* heart" Still nodding, Lukas continued to smile at the weary youth upon the couch. His nose twitching, Lukas tried ignore the roiling of his stomach as the heavy odour of stale blood permeated the warm stifling air of the cabin. Just as he did his best to ignore the dry dark red trail leading from one of the bedrooms to the brightly lit bathroom. As Xander dropped his gaze to stare at his blood stained hands, Lukas wondered if he should make the youth change from the filthy gore encrusted clothes that he was currently wearing.

"So...Jossessi´s outta here? Fuck...I really liked him as well. He´s like your best friend but I guess that when it comes to...well...work..." Leaning back further into the couch, Xander was sure that someone had sneakily transformed his whole body into a block of concrete the moment he had sat down. He honestly couldn´t recall ever feeling so tired and drained in his life. With a deep yawn and a barely apologetic look at Lukas, Xander tried to concentrate on what the other man was saying.

"Nah. I like him too and you´re right, he is my best friend. But so is Spike. Like I said, I just have to send over a human heart that has been soaked in Kava and everything will be fine" His smile disappearing as seriousness played across his face again, Lukas took in how exhausted and worn–out the youth looked. Sighing as he watched Xander fight the urge to catch some sleep, Lukas decided that he had obviously been too vague for the stressed man. "Xander, it doesn´t matter whose heart I send back. It just has to be soaked in Kava. The Elders trust that I´ll send the right one back....they won´t check"

"But...you got sent over here for Jossesse...what do you mea...Oh...*oh shit!* Are you saying...what...are you..?" Falling silent, Xander felt his heart skip a beat as the Fijian´s words sank in. He knew exactly what Lukas meant and he didn´t like it one little bit. As he held Lukas´ steady gaze, Xander shivered as if someone had walked over his grave. With a deathly pale face, Xander whispered the first thing that came to his numb mind even as the tiny flare of hope suddenly roared into a bonfire.

"Murder!"

6 March, Tuesday, 2001

1.25 am

So, right this moment, I´m laying in bed. Tossing and turning for all I´m worth when I should be trying to get some sleep. I can´t though. I can´t sleep even though my eyes feel like they´re just about to leap out of my head... literally... and my whole body feels like it´s gone one or two rounds with Mike Tyson. The fact that I still have two ears sort of convinces me that I´m just too tired to think straight.

I know for a fact that I´m not thinking straight because I´m busy debating whether I should go to Hell for helping murder Diehl and using the left over blood to save Spike... or... go to Hell for letting Spike die and denying all knowledge of what Lukas is about to do to Diehl.

This is a boundary that I´ve never wanted to cross over. Never in my whole life have I ever had to or wanted to make this choice. To choose between the life of two men. I wish it was just plain black and white, something easy but it isn´t. My life has never been simple... never normal. Always too many shades of grey to fuck everything up. The fact that I´m even thinking about a human life versus a demon life just shows how much growing up on an active Hellmouth can seriously screw with one´s values.

How the Hell did I end up at this point? How do I choose between ending one life to save another? It´s not as if I could safely say that killing Diehl will solve everything because it won´t. I mean, Diehl´s blood will more than likely end up saving Spike. Doing what Deadboy´s blood wasn´t able to.

Jesus, I was *so* sure that it was going to work. Spike was just going to drink his Sire´s blood and everything would be fine and for a little while, it was. Even as I was pouring the gross stuff down his throat, Spike started to swallow for himself and his eyelids fluttered open twice. Twice. I swear, my heart just about stopped and I almost threw up in relief. Seriously, I was so damned happy that I ended up kissing Lukas. Poor bastard, he probably thought I was going to stick my tongue down his throat. Lukas just sort of backed away but it was a definitely happy backing away.

Everything was going to be just fine. I was going to nurse Spike back to health. Never mind that it´s coming up to the busy time at work, I was going to take a few weeks off and stay 24/7 at home with Spike. Making sure that I did everything possible to make him feel wanted and loved as Angel said I had to. I was going to fix his favorite snack foods, let him drink the foul warm beer he likes so much and I wasn´t going to complain that I didn´t want to kiss him after he´s pigged out on Indian food that I´ve driven an hour and a half to buy just because I hate the way his lips taste. We weren´t gonna go out anywhere as we were both going to be stuck at home until I managed to work off the massive debt that I already owe Lukas for all the human blood that was meant to go down Spike´s throat but ended up down the plughole over the last day.

God, it´s gotta be close to almost half a grand already.

But the huge amount of money I´ve ended up owing Lukas wouldn´t matter as long as Spike was alive and in the end, healthy. We could stay at home just doing stuff and maybe watching videos and, depending on the TV reception, the occasional ´Jerry Springer´ and ´Passions´.

I was gonna treat him right this time, not like a piece of shit as I did back in Sunnydale. Try to do my best to love him into wanting to get better and stay with me. I was gonna work on telling Wills, Tara and the Buffster the truth about our relationship. Maybe even my parents, not that they would give a toss but the fact would be that I told them. Shit, I was gonna be as close to the perfect boyfriend as I could possibly be.

Spike was drinking by himself and I think at one point, I almost came right there and then in front of Lukas when Spike flexed his toes. Everything was of the good.

And then it wasn´t.

Spike hasn´t drunk a drop of blood apart from what Deadboy sent through the portal and that´s bad...real bad because both the G–Man and Deadboy...fuck...even Wes, said that Spike was gonna be drinking as much blood as I could feed him. They told me that Spike would stop crying but he hasn´t. I mean, it has slowed down but not enough. No–where near enough. He´s still dying and I can´t let him do that.

Right now I´m in bed hoping that Lukas will come into the bedroom and ´wake´ me up with the good news that Spike is swallowing again. So far, I haven´t heard a word and I honestly don´t think that I will because I left Lukas with Spike over four hours ago.

I shouldn´t be crying again. I should be trying to be strong for Spike. I don´t know if he can smell or even hear that I´ve been crying and if he can, I hope to God that he isn´t getting upset. I can´t help it though, they just keep on coming. Least I know I´m not gonna die from my tears.

Fuck! I was so sure that Deadboy´s blood was gonna work. I counted on that. Really, I did. I had to because I didn´t want to think about what Lukas had come up with, let alone what would happen to Spike if it didn´t work. All the times that Spike was drinking, Angel was talking to me on the phone about what to do over the next few weeks to help Spike. I have to say it, Angel went out of his way to help me with the mess I created and I really do owe him big time for this. I have to take back what I said about him. Well...not everything, I still hate most of his guts... but not all. After Deadboy, Wes talked to me for bit and told me that Angel had risked his own health to be able to give Spike extra blood. Sort of wondered why Angel had sounded so tired over the phone. Thought he was drunk to begin with. I feel a bit weird now that I know Deadboy did so much for Spike and me.

Either way though, damned if I do and most seriously damned if I don´t. Then again, maybe this would be a good thing – Diehl dying. I mean, it´s not as if I could really stop Lukas from killing him. What am I gonna do, call the cops and tell them that a Kava demon is going to kill an army recruiter? Anyone else thinking ´straightjacket´? Anyway in all reality, Jossesse is a hell of a lot nicer than Diehl ever will be but that´s not the point is it? Jossesse knew what he was doing when he started the whole damn Kava ritual and it´s his own fault if he gets himself killed for not going with the flow and finishing it. And he sure as hell shouldn´t have run all the way to Alaska from Fiji to try to save his own skin. Why should Diehl have to die because Lukas wants to keep his best friend alive?

Why should Diehl die at all?

Then again, why should Spike die?

If Lukas goes through with this nut job plan of his and ends up doing over Diehl, then why shouldn´t I say yes to Spike getting Diehl´s blood? Saving Spike´s life. I hope. Christ, I really hope it does and you know what, just by saying that, I´ve made my choice.

I´m gonna have Diehl´s death on my hands... on my conscience and soul for the rest of my life. The fact that I´m willing to kill for Spike is gonna be hanging over this relationship forever. Just because Lukas is going to do the whole ´ripping out of the heart and jingling it like a tea–bag in Kava´ thing doesn´t mean that I´m not involved with Diehl´s murder. Just accepting the left over blood is enough to get me a meeting with a lethal injection.

How´s that for devotion if not love? Surely that proves that I love him and want him to live? Not everyone is willing to go through with a murder in order for someone they like... love...to survive?

I´m so going to Hell. I don´t believe in it normally but if there is one... then I´ve got a first class hand basket all the way down. I´ll be dancing with the devil until Hell freezes over. At least Spike would end up down there with me.

I´m doing the right thing though aren´t I? Getting rid of Diehl would make the world a better place... make the world safer? I mean, what he did to Spike... what´s stopping him doing that to someone else... someone who hasn´t got super healing? What if he does and this time, kills them? He´s a total sick bastard anyway... Jesus... just the way he´s been hassling Spike and making threats against me tells the whole story.

Killing Diehl might stop a lot of bad things happening.

It´s still murder though.

I so don´t want a part of this but I have to because letting Spike die is murder as well. This is wrong, so very... *very wrong* and I just know that this´ll backfire somehow. Everything I do does in the end... look at Spike. I shouldn´t be agreeing to this.

In all reality, I should just let Spike die. I should stake him and get it over with because the sooner I do that, the sooner I can come to terms with what I´ve done. I should just admit that Deadboy and Giles are right. Put him out of his so obvious misery and pain. Let him die with what is left of his dignity. Diehl could continue being a total prick and causing trouble wherever he goes and once he knows Spike is dead, never bothering me again or until someone bigger and stronger happens to beat him to death in a bar brawl. After all, Diehl is a human and deserves to live a lot more than a demon like Spike does.

Yeah, I know that Diehl will die anyway when Lukas catches up to him but if I refuse Diehl´s blood for Spike, that means I didn´t have anything to do with his death and my conscience would be clear. Sort of. Not really.

I can tell everyone that things didn´t work out between us and Spike left me. I can have a cry... mope around for a few months and let the guys at work fix me up on a gay blind date. Bastards. They would too. Deadboy could gloat and say ´I told you so´ while Giles could offer his long–distance shoulder to cry on. Even though they don´t know Spike and I are together and the whole Shaming thingy, if I told them that Spike had died, Buffy would tell me off for not staking Spike sooner while Will´s would offer to come to visit for a while. Help me to adjust to having lost a ´friend´. Think I would take her up on that offer as well. It wouldn´t be that easy though. Losing Spike.

Honestly, right now, I couldn´t imagine life without him and I don´t even want to start.

So. I´m gonna turn a blind eye to a murder and just concentrate on making Spike better. Because when it comes down to the crunch, that´s all that really matters.

Like I said, damned if I do and damned if I don´t. I just hope that this is the least of the rockier roads to eternal damnation.

6 March, Tuesday, 2001

7.00 am

Why are you here... touching me?

Don´t.

You´re gonna get me into trouble. Xan is gonna be so mad. Not at you because it has to be my fault that you´re wiping at my face with something wet... touching my mouth.

It´s always my fault.

Jesus, don´t keep talking to me. I dunno what you´re goin´ on about anyway. You´re not speaking loud enough. Shut the bloody Hell up.

Go away. Leave. Now.

Xander´s gonna kick the shit out of me if he catches you feeling me up. He won´t touch you... won´t yell at you. My fault. He´ll say that I couldn´t keep my hands to myself, that I´m a slag just like my Mam was and he´d be right. Shouldn´t have cheated on him. Did it for him only because I was too fucking stupid to figure something else out.

I´m such a pathetic useless retard. He keeps tellin´ me I am and every time I try not to be, I let him down and then he has try and help me think smart again.

See?

All the bloody pain I´ve been goin´ through was just result of the ´lesson´ he must´ve taught me. I must´ve deserved it. I always do.

Why does he waste his time on me? He doesn´t love me but....

So fucking lucky Xan´s asleep. I know he´s asleep. Can feel his heart beatin´ nice and slow. Go now... before he wakes up. How did you even get in the house? How does he not know you´re here? Why is Xander so far away from me? We always sleep together, why isn´t he beside me?

This is a dream. It has to be. You´re not really here.

But you are though, I can feel you.

I don´t understand why I feel so weird. God, I´m so tired and sore. He must´ve gone at me till I was totally out of it. I think this is the worst he´s ever hurt me. Must´ve done somethin´ real dumb this time.

Can move a bit now. Not much though... not as much as I want to.

All I can smell is blood. Why does it smell so off... old? Don´t like it... fucking well creepin´ me out. Somethin´s real wrong here and I dunno what...

I don´t wanna hurt anymore and I will when he catches us.

Stop.

Lukas, don´t touch me anymore.

I don´t want you to. Don´t like your touch, it´s not Xander´s. No comfort... your hands are too big... and soft. Too soft. Gentle. Xander always has rough hands... scraping at my skin.

Xander was with me before. Before I... floated... went away. But I´m back now and Xander´s gone and I want you to be gone as well.

Sod off!

Yeah... I moved my hand. Doesn´t mean you can touch me though. I like ya Mate but not like that and I know full well that you don´t go for blokes so you sure as Hell shouldn´t be touching me anywhere down *there*.

Get your hand off me tackle. You´re shifting bits I don´t want shifted.

Don´t wanna know you no more. Never speaking to you again. Gonna get my blood from different bloke.

God, your hand feels so bloody hot on my head. Stop touching my ears, don´t like it.

What?

What did you say?

I... I almost caught that.

Did you say Xander?

Fuck!

You did. You stupid bastard, you just got me killed.

If Xander see´s you touching me, I´m dead.

Not you.

ME.

He´s gonna kill me.

With a sigh, Lukas watched intently as the pale form in the bathtub lifted a slender hand momentarily before letting it clunk against the reddened porcelain once again.

"That´s good Spike. Come on, you can do it... Move something else?"

Lifting a small container from the floor, the heavy set Fijian dipped a corner of a face cloth into the container. In a slow motion, Lukas leaned over the bathtub to feed Spike the last of his Sire´s blood. Lukas dabbed the cloth gently against Spike´s cracked lips, wiping the inside of the vampire´s mouth with the moistened cloth.

"Oooops... sorry. I´ll just clean you up." Lukas explained with an embarrassed smile as he awkwardly set about wiping away the blood he had accidentally spilt over Spikes genitals, his smile growing more heated as the wiping caused the limp penis to shift. After a quick glance at Spike´s crotch assured Lukas that the pale skin was clean once again, the Kava Demon carefully draped the blood spattered cloth between the vampires legs. Giving Spike a small measure of dignity, something that Xander hadn´t thought to do. "You´re not really my type Spike so don´t think this means anything, all right?"

The empty container set on the bathroom floor, Lukas wrinkled his nose as he took in Spikes virtually hairless scalp, and with a small shake of his head, couldn´t help but smooth a hand over the vampires skull, feeling the soft almost invisible down like hair that had started to grow at his temples and behind his ears again since Spike had drunk the first of Angel´s blood. As a thought struck Lukas, he lifted his hand from Spike´s head and instead, gathered up the vampires hands, his smile growing broader when it proved that his thought had been correct.

"Wow Spike, you sure do need a manicure. Not only that, a pedicure as well." stated Lukas, gently twisting the frail claw like hands as he saw that in just a few hours, Spike´s fingernails and toenails had almost doubled in length. Certainly, it could only mean that the Sire blood was doing its job and bringing the Childe back from the brink of a second death. It was good news and that meant he had to go and wake Xander up.

Xander had reluctantly gone to bed, exhausted beyond belief, on the promise that Lukas would wake him up should Spike show any sign of improvement. The larger man had sat in the bathroom by his friends side, listening to Xander toss and turn for hours, no doubt worried by what Lukas had proposed about Diehl until finally, the youth had quietened. Lukas had waited for a few minutes before he had ventured to check that Xander was truly asleep. Once he had been sure, Lukas had hurried back to Spike´s side, intent on trying to encourage the vampire to get better.

In between his words of encouragement however, Lukas had tried to impress on Spike how much worse he was going to be if he stayed with Xander. Lukas knew full well that Spike might have been too far gone to hear him but, as he was possibly Spike´s only friend, he had felt it was his duty to do something. Finally, Lukas had stated the plain truth.

If Spike didn´t leave Xander sometime soon, Xander would end up killing him.

Lukas didn´t bother pointing out that it would more than likely be an accident on Xander´s part and that, from what he had seen of Xander´s behavior, if it happened, Xander would never forgive himself. It wasn´t worth saying it. All that mattered was getting his friend out of harms way. Lukas knew that inter–species relationships were always hard but never had he come across such a poisonous coupling as this. It was as destructive as they came and Lukas was somewhat at a loss as to how it all came about but he was determined to help end it.

It wasn´t the fact that they were of different species or they were gay. Nor was it the mind boggling idea of William the Bloody being subservient to a friend of the Slayer, something that by all rights should never have happened but what can you do when science interferes with the laws of nature? Lukas would have been more than happy to put his stamp of approval on the relationship should it have been a benefit to both partners but it so obviously wasn´t. No, what went against every grain in Lukas´ body was the abusive nature of the relationship.

He had seen with his own two eyes only a fraction of what Xander was capable of. Lukas had seen the bruises on more than one occasion, seen Spike walking stiffly around the Pennington Mall as if every movement pained him, watched him seek Xander´s approval before joining the laughter that a joke prompted. Lukas knew that there were days that Spike wasn´t capable, emotionally if not physically, of venturing outside the cabin. Those were the days that Lukas tried to get Spike to allow him to visit. Both men sitting quietly in front of the TV, nursing beers or hot coffee while Spikes injuries were purposefully ignored.

After visiting Spike for the first time after a beating, something that had resulted in an even more severe repercussions for the vampire, neither men acknowledged that Lukas´ visits had continued. It was an unspoken agreement that it had only happened the once.

And the abuse was a subject that he most certainly didn´t dare confront Xander with, not with his friend´s life at stake. There was no way that he wanted to make Spike´s life any more difficult than it already was, especially with the long Summer coming up.

This time, however, Lukas wasn´t going to let Spike freeze him out if he brought up the subject of Xander´s abuse. He wouldn´t allow it. He wasn´t going to let Spike brush it off as ´just a bit clumsy, that´s all´ or that he had slammed his fingers in the car door which was why they were broken. Oh, and he wasn´t just going to shrug and nod when Spike said that he tripped over some clothes on the floor, banged his head on the coffee table and as a result, got himself a purpling bruise under one eye.

Yeah, he had heard them all and believed none of them.

Lukas just couldn´t get over the way Spike thought that he had to keep defending Xander, even though Lukas rarely mentioned the bruises. Always it was Spike who brought them up. Anything immediately noticeable that is.

Spike usually waited until his bruises had disappeared before venturing outside again. Something that never took long thanks to the vampires rapid healing ability but, unfortunately, it only helped to increase Spikes dependency on Xander. Every time that Xander hit Spike, forcing the vampire to stay inside, Xander´s power over Spike increased. Little by little, Spike was retreating and allowing Xander to think and act on his behalf all the more. It was only the fact that Lukas already knew about the abuse that made it safe for him to visit Spike, even with the evidence of a battering all too clear to see. Lukas knew that if he wasn´t the sole local supplier of blood, he would never have seen Spike again after the brochure incident on Boxing Day the year before.

He had to get his friend out and somewhere safe.

His and Spike´s friendship was strange. Vampires usually didn´t have friends, they had minions, Childer, Sires and meals. That was it. Certainly in Fiji, Lukas had never been a friend of a vampire but he had been taught by his mother always to look out for friends and people who couldn´t help themselves and that´s what he was doing now.

However, the fact remained that the only one who could truly help Spike was Spike himself. Spike was the one who had to walk away and only then because he wanted to. All Lukas would be able to do was point him in the right direction.

Brought back to reality by another small movement from Spike, this time the vampire flexing his toes again, Lukas felt his heart leap as Spike arkwardly licked his dry lips. Lukas knew that he couldn´t put it off any longer. He had to go and get Xander. The brunette youth had to be the first one that Spike saw when he opened his eyes and was able to recognise people again. As much as Lukas wanted for Spike never to see Xander again, Spike would be too distressed if Xander was not around to help him recover. In his weakened state, the worry would be Spike having a relapse and this time there would be no more Sire blood from Angel, the older vampire making it perfectly clear that neither Spike nor Xander would be welcomed by him in the future.

"Spike... Spike, I´m going to get Xander.. OK?" asked Lukas, leaning in close to the greyish–white figure in the bath. Seeing the eyelids fluttering for a mere fraction of a second, the Kava Demon took one more chance. "Spike, you have to leave Xander. He is going to *kill* you. He will, you know that. Xander is going to continue to hurt you and one day, he will kill you. Leave him Spike, leave Xander as soon as you can..."

Breaking off his plea as Spike gave a hoarse moan, Lukas leant back and rose stiffly to his feet all the while hoping that his words had made some sort of dent in the vampires determination to stay with his abuser. With a sad smile, Lukas took in how white Spikes fingers and toes already were compared to the sickly grey of the rest of his body. A sure sign that Spike was on the path to a healthy life again, a life that Diehl´s blood could only improve. "I guess I´ll get Xander up then."

"XANDER! Xander, get in here!"

"Xander!"

Hearing his name being called from the bathroom, Xander stopped staring at the cabin´s ceiling and rolled over. His eyes tightly screwed shut, the youth steadfastly ignored Lukas.

He didn´t want to get up.

If he got up, then everything that had happened over the past day would be all too startlingly real and if he stayed in bed, then it had all been just a horrible nightmare. With a jaw–wrenching yawn, Xander pulled the comforter up higher around his bare shoulders. After a moment, he slid further down the mattress so that he was completely encased by the comforters warmth. Literally from head to toe.

"XANDER?"

Breathing in the stale air from underneath the comforter, Xander concentrated on the only thing he could see. The pitch black from behind his eyelids. As far as Xander was concerned, if he continued to ignore Lukas then the Kava Demon would eventually just go away and then he wouldn´t have to think about Spike anymore.

He wouldn´t have to think about Diehl either.

Xander felt his stomach drop at the thought of what he had decided about Diehl in the early hours of the morning and with that thought, Xander´s resolution to stay in bed was strengthened. If he didn´t get up, then he wasn´t going to be a murderer in the next few days.

If he stayed in bed, then everything would be perfect.

"Xander.. would you just get in here? Spike´s moving!"

Fuck! Spike was *moving*... his boyfriend was *moving*? Oh. My. God! Spike´s better? He´s better... Deadboy actually came through... well, Deadboy actually already had but.. but... Spike´s better...

With his thoughts racing wildly through his mind, Xander suddenly found that he was holding his breath even as he scrambled out of the warm bed. A few deep breaths taken, he rose unsteadily to his feet, a huge grin on his face at hearing the good news. Just barely pausing long enough to throw a pair of semi–clean track pants over his naked form, Xander ran the few steps to the bathroom, unconsciously following the trail of dried blood on the wooden floorboards. Skidding to a halt just outside the open doorway of the bathroom, Xander´s anxious smile faltered into a wary frown as he stared at the skeletal form in the bathtub. A few slow steps forward and Xander leant against the bathroom door frame, his gaze still upon Spike.

"XAN... oh. I´ll just... leave you two alone all right?" offered Lukas, giving Xander a small smile as he eased his way past Xander and out of the bathroom. Turning around, the Kava Demon couldn´t help but feel a pang of pity for the younger man. No matter how much he disliked Xander, Lukas acknowledged that if he made things easier for Xander, he was, in effect, making Spikes life easier as well. Swallowing his misgivings about Xander for the moment, Lukas spoke softly to the youth. "Want a coffee... breakfast... anything? You want something, tell me now ´cos I have to go home and feed the cat. Mail needs sorting too. Xander?"

"Huh? Uhhhh...coffee. Yeah, lots of coffee." Xander answered equally as soft, still taking in every inch of the vampires haggard appearance. "C.. can you call work for me? Tell them I´m not coming in until Spike´s better? Please?"

"Sure, I can do that but I think it would be better coming from you... but if you want, I can do it"

"OK. Yeah, that makes sense... I suppose I owe it them, I mean, Mac´s already given me heaps of time off... What the Hell do I say?" asked Xander, tearing his gaze from the bathtub and turning around to face Lukas. With a lost look on his face, Xander continued. "They´re gonna ask why isn´t Spike in hospital if he´s so bad that I have to stay at home with him? Shit, what do I say if they want to visit him... everyone likes him... you know, ´Xander´s little woman´. What do I do... what the *fuck* do I do?"

Looking at the bewildered youth in front of him, Lukas saw that Xander was still well and truly out of his depth and wondered again if he should still be so tolerant of mixed species relationships. Lukas quickly chased that train of thought away, angry at himself for letting one disastrous relationship colour his views.

"You tell them the truth."

"What? I can´t tell them *that*?" demanded Xander, his confusion of what to do about his job and any questions from his friends all too clear on his face. "I mean... when they come over, and they are gonna want to, what do I tell them about the way Spike looks? Jesus, we´re just lucky we got that whole ´sunlight phobia´ excuse going anyway so at least some weirdness is sort of explained but this... this is just waaaay too much of the weird."

"No. You tell them the truth." Lukas firmly said. Taking a deep breath in an effort to stop himself from trying to shake some sense into the youth, he roughly outlined what Xander was going to say.

"Truth?"

"Yes and the truth is that Spike isn´t well and needs home nursing. Xander, you don´t have to go into any details because its no–one elses business but yours and Spikes. Whatever spin you want to put onto the situation... well, just make sure that its simple. Don´t go into anything too elaborate, trust me, someone will just poke holes right through it."

Nodding his head to Lukas´ words and running through a few of the excuses he had already thought about, Xander started to fit a few pieces together. "Shit. I know that but I gotta come up with something that´s gonna see us through the whole Summer for when Spike is totally out of the picture."

Leaving Xander to rack his mind for the next few minutes, Lukas strode the few steps it took to be in the middle of the kitchen and set about making two cups of coffee. As he rummaged around the fridge and found some out of date but not quite sour milk, Lukas listened to Xander go over excuse after excuse for Spike´s home nursing.

"Of course! So simple. I don´t have medical insurance which would mean a lengthy stay in hospital for either Spike or myself would literally bankrupt us so that leaves only....*home nursing*!" crowed Xander, sagging against the bathroom door frame as a wave of relief swept over him. "And I can always put down his condition to a setback in his recovery from the car accident? Right?"

"Yeah, yeah.. that´s good. You both already got it set up that Spike had a car accident so a setback makes sense." agreed Lukas, refraining from adding just how much he´d like to set Xander back in a particular way. The water boiled and pouring it into the mugs, Lukas handed one to the still unsure youth and with one hand, pushed him gently towards the bathtub. No use in Xander trying to hide from what he had done. The sooner he faced up to it, the quicker things may just get better as far as Lukas was concerned. Somehow, he wryly admitted to himself, he couldn´t see anything getting better for Spike in the near future.

Lukas watched somewhat sternly as Xander stepped hesitantly forward and once he had reached the tub, put the mug down on the ground and sat himself down on the edge of the white porcelain tub. The Kava demon´s grave visage gave way to slight embarrassment as he realised he was witnessing a truly private moment in the way Xander kissed his fingertips before reaching down to brush them against Spikes lips, a gesture followed by light feathery strokes across the sickly grey brow. The sheer gentleness of the actions belied the brutality he had always asocciated with one Xander Harris. Uncomfortable with this new insight, Lukas coughed to gain Xander´s attention.

"Lukas... thanks. I.. I honestly don´t know what I would have done..." Xander´s words trailed off even if the intention behind them were clear. Twisting around on the bathtubs edge, Xander smiled tiredly at the Kava Demon and nodded. "Thanks."

"Spike´s my friend." stated Lukas simply. His discomfort increased as he watched Xander resume the gentle caressing of the vampires thin face. With an almost silent groan, Lukas found himself going back on his word. "Xander, I´ll call work for you. Tell them that I only know about Spike because you needed help getting him in the bathtub or something like that.. ok?"

"Really? Thanks... again, I suppose." replied the stressed youth. Realising that Lukas was waiting for something else to be said and even though he knew what it was, Xander gave it his best shot at ignoring the subject. "Can you see yourself out?"

Sighing at Xander´s attempt at stalling the inevitable, Lukas hated that he had to be the one to drag an obviously unwanted decision out into the open. "Diehl?"

His hand pausing over Spikes delicate left eyelid, Xander swallowed hard, barely holding back a shudder as he went through his reasoning for deciding to end Diehl´s life. Taking his hand away from Spike, Xander stiffly climbed to his feet and with a tight grip on one of Lukas´ elbows, steered the way towards the cabin door. "Lukas..."

"Xander, make a choice"

"Fuck..*fuck*. I already have!" shot back Xander. Running a hand through his hair, he avoided looking that the man beside him and instead, stared at the floor. A deep breath taken to steady his nerves, Xander dragged his eyes from the floor and met Lukas´ dark brown gaze. "I have made a choice... this isn´t easy you know?"

"It´s no." Almost the instant the words came out of his mouth, Xander felt giddy and he knew that he wasn´t the only one in shock about his decision. What the hell had happened to what he had decided on last night? He had been so sure he was going to say yes, damn his soul and everything and yet, already he felt like a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Forcing himself to speak again, Xander clarified his choice as his knees went weak. "No."

"You sure about that?" queried Lukas quietly, oddly disturbed at how amazed Xander had been at his own answer. Obviously, he had meant to say the opposite. Reaching out a hand to steady Xander before he wobbled to the cabin floor, Lukas walked him over to the couch and sat Xander down.

"No. I mean... yeah, I guess I am but *no*. I.. I can´t make that choice about another person´s life.. I can´t." Xander pleaded with Lukas to understand just where he was coming from. With an exasperated sigh, Xander dropped his head into his hands and sat while he waited for Lukas to answer him. His words muffled by his hands, Xander pleaded his case. "Jesus, I meant to say yes.. I had it all planned to.. to damn my soul and help with offing that bastard. But..."

"But a human life is more important than a demon´s?"

"Yes." Unable to help himself from answering truthfully, Xander sniffled wetly as he felt the sting of hot tears well up in his eyes. Gulping down deep breaths in an effort to calm himself, he wondered suddenly if Spike always felt so shaky when he started to cry. Just that thought made Xander hate himself even more and with a heavy heave of his chest, he gave in and started to cry.

His features twisting into a grimace as he took in the sobbing man in front of him, Lukas didn´t know what to feel more disgusted at. The fact that Xander was just another prejudiced human who, no matter how ´enlightened´ they may claim to be, were biased when it came to the crunch or that Xander knew what had to be done to both stop Diehl and make sure Spike got the best start to his lengthy recovery but was refusing to do the right thing. Yet again. Standing by the couch, Lukas swallowed his dislike for the youth and reached down a hand to awkwardly pat at the heaving shoulders.

"I.. I can´t do it and I want to. I do.. really but.. but it´s not that.. that.." Xander started, rubbing the back of his hand across his eyes. "You don´t understand?"

"Understand what? That you´re putting a man that you barely know before your boyfriend, someone you claim to care about.. you´re right..I don´t." came Lukas´ icy reply as he let his hand drop from Xander´s shoulder.

"No... *no*! It´s... it´s just that things are different for you.. I´m human an–"

Cutting Xander off, Lukas snapped a reply, a rare anger coloring his words. "And I´m a demon so that means the taking of life isn´t as important to me as it would be to you... is that right? I wouldn´t feel the guilt that you would because I don´t have a soul... Are you going to tell me next that I will end up in Hell no matter what I do with my life? God, you humans are all the same.. and anyway.. I didn´t ask for you to help me with Diehl... I just wanted to know if you wanted his blood for Spike"

"But you´re gonna kill him no matter what I say but... but if I say no then.. then I had nothing to do with it."

"And your hands are clean?" Lukas clamped his hand down on Xander´s shoulder, squeezing hard until the young man dropped his hands away from his face and looked up at him. Holding the weary gaze, Lukas continued. "Xander, you´re a fool if you don´t take this blood for Spike... who knows just how powerful it´s going to be.. it could even help with his emotions.. maybe not to what he was but you just can´t pass this up and trust me.. there will be plenty to spare."

"Fuck Lukas.. you´re not understanding me!" Xander snarled, his heavy sobs subsiding as his own anger showed. "My hands are already dirty just.. just because I know what you´re gonna do to him and I hate that. This is scaring me... maybe even more than what Spike al.. already has."

"You´re not the only one scared.. yeah, I am too.. obviously not as much as you but I´ve never done this before." admitted Lukas, his anger dying down a little as he realised that Xander really was frightened by how much he was already involved in Diehls death. "Don´t get me wrong, I´ve been hunting down Kava offenders for the better part of 30 years but this is the first time that I´ve ever planned a deliberate ritual Kava killing... so, I guess I´m with you on the scared front."

"Sure as Hell don´t show it" muttered Xander. Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes for a long moment before continuing in a soft voice. "But you´re still not getting me... if I accept that bastards blood then it´s like I killed him and hung him up to drain dry myself... I *know* I´m gonna feel guilt for this... definitely gonna feel bad for the rest of my life for going along with it just this far and if I did help you.. then I´m gonna hate myself and if I hate myself then I´m gonna run the risk of ending up hating Spike as well for having to go through this for him a.. and... I don´t want to live the rest of my life hating him because I killed someone to save him...?"

"But you won´t be killing him, I will. Xander, you *won´t*.. OK?"

"He doesn´t deserve my hate, I´m scared because up and til five minutes ago, I.. I was willing to risk it. Xander stated quietly, unconsciously pleading with Lukas to understand where he was coming from.

Eyeing the clearly upset youth, Lukas sighed. "And what if he ends up hating you because you didn´t risk it?"

"I can´t... I just *can´t*!" replied Xander with a just as lengthy sigh. "I want him to get better so bad but this.. step, it´s just too much. Please don´t ask me again because... I.. I don´t know if I would be able to say no."

"Xand–"

Xander cut Lukas off quickly, his breath hitching as he spoke, the long hours of exhaustion and strain all too easy to hear. "Please.. don´t?"

The Kava demon hesitated for a minute before moving to sit beside Xander on the couch, Lukas himself starting to feel some of the strain from the previous hours. The men sat in uncomfortable silence, the time passing unoticed as they both slipped deep into private thoughts. A soft cough from Lukas broke the uneasy quiet. "You want Spike to have Diehl´s blood but you don´t want any part o–.., no.. just hear me out a minute,.. but you don´t want any part of it.. that right?"

"Yeah"

"OK"

"OK? Lukas..?" started Xander tentively, sitting upright for a second or two before slumping back down against the couch. "Shit, just don´t tell me all right?"

"Not going to, even if you ask" replied Lukas with a tight half smile. He just couldn´t believe how typically ´human´ Xander was being, the youth was more than happy to accept the benefits of an illegal activity but only if he had no part in the activity itself. What angered Lukas more was the way Xander was obviously willing to fall back on his upbringing from Sunnydale. Turn an innocent blind eye to the truth until it affects you and then, deliberately blind the other eye so you can continue to deny. Then again, maybe he shouldn´t blame Xander on the latter count, it wasn´t Xander´s fault that humans were basically an ignorant race and it was a race that had flourished from living an existence of ignorance.

With a slight shake of his head, Lukas wondered if he should just take Spike home with him anyway, no matter how much Spike was going to need Xander over the next few weeks. Rubbing a hand across his eyes, the Kava Demon immediately dismissed the idea as he recalled all that he had heard about ´The Shaming´. As much as he wanted to cut Xander out of the picture as soon as possible, Lukas knew that because Spike had started ´The Shaming´ to get Xander´s attention, then Xander had to be the one that nursed Spike to recovery. Stifling a groan at the thought of Xander being able to assert even more influence over Spike in the next few weeks, Lukas was suddenly struck with an idea.

"Got a ´special´ shipment due in by the end of the week" Lukas stated quietly, a brief grin flashing over his face as he grew to like his idea even more.

"Shit. Yeah and?" Xander prompted, massaging his throbbing temples. Staring unseeingly at the floor between his feet, he waited for the man to continue.

"And it´s special because only I get to handle it"

"What? Oh...oohhhh. Sure, got you" nodded the tired youth, hoping he really did get what Lukas was trying to imply. After a moment, Xander realised he didn´t quite get it. "Ummm.. actually, I don´t so...?"

"Xander, you don´t touch it at *all*."

"At all.. but I have to.. I mean, to a point... Look Lukas, I´m tryin´ here but I´m so very tired and it´s gonna be a looong day so please, just tell me what you´re getting at?" pleaded Xander, dragging his gaze from the floor to look at the dark man beside him. With a weary half grin, he gestured for Lukas to explain.

"Simple. I feed Spike... nah.. nah, don´t stress. I´m not going to open a vein or anything and yeah, I can see from the look on your face that´s exactly what you just thought." Unable to hide the small smile that had emerged as a result of Xander´s almost freak out, Lukas nudged a wide–eyed Xander in the ribs in an effort to get the boy back on track. "Like I said, don´t stress. Not that stupid and I certainly don´t want Spike thinking he´s gonna owe me anymore than he already will. All I´m gonna do is be the one to feed him the ´special´ shipment. Probably not even gonna take a day or so"

"And because you´re the one feeding him... I´ll be doing what.. be out somewhere?"

Lukas felt his breath catch as he saw the edge of a golden opportunity. If he was alone with Spike, while the vampire´s defences were down and Xander was nowhere near... then there would be nothing stopping Lukas from being able to work on Spike leaving Xander. This time, Lukas would have to added benefit of Spike being conscious for the talk. Hoping that he was acting normally, Lukas drew a deep breath before answering. "Yeah... you can do the groceries... stock up on a few weeks food.. you know because looking after Spike is gonna be pretty much full time for the next few weeks. Who knows when you´ll get another chance and I´ll be here if anything happens."

"And nothing better happen" said Xander grimly. He desperately wanted Spike to get the best recovery possible and he knew without a doubt, Diehl´s blood was going to be of great benefit to Spike. However, as he had stated only minutes before, Xander wasn´t willing to go the extra length to give Spike that advantage but now, with Lukas´ offer, Xander could literally look the other way. Sure, his hands were still dirty and he was already feeling bad for getting involved this far, but as long as he didn´t actually touch any of Diehl´s blood himself, then, as far as he was concerned, he really didn´t get involved at all... did he?

His mind made up to turn a blind eye to save his lover, Xander wondered if there was still going to be a hand basket to Hell reserved for him for when the time came. Nodding slowly at first before making his agreement clear, Xander aired his choice. "Yeah.. but like I said.. I don´t know anything?"

"Sure and it´s gonna be delivered Thursday or Friday... I´ll call you before I come over ok?" Lukas smiled at the youth, all the while vowing that he was going to get more brochures from the Womens Health Clinic on domestic violence and this time, he was going to read them to Spike. Rising to his feet, Lukas managed to suppress the urge to punch Xander in the face and instead, gave him a hearty slap across his bare back.

Wincing at the strength of Lukas´ gesture, Xander got up from the couch and followed his guest to the cabin door. Thanking Lukas again for all his help, Xander saw the friendly Fijian leave, squinting into the darkness of the early morning before closing the door and locking it.

With a hope that Lukas remembered to call work for him, Xander slowly made his way towards the bathroom, this time, seeing the trail of dry blood and grimacing at how long it was going to take him to clean it up. Passing by the spare bedroom, he shuddered as he took a quick peek inside. Unable to help himself, he gagged as he took in the ruined mattress, pillow and bedclothes. There was no doubt about it, all of them had to be burned and with a glance at the floor of the bedroom, Xander mentally added the once cream rug to the bonfire as well. Until he got around to buying a double mattress, it looked like he was going to be sleeping on the couch while Spike got the good mattress.

His heart sinking at that thought of moving Spike to the main bedroom, Xander turned and left the gory scene to walk into the bathroom. Standing at the side of the bathtub, he stared down at the sickly vampire lying curled in the bottom of the tub.

"Hey Spike... I hear you´re doing better?"

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