But I Love You 23 – 24

5 March, Monday, 2001

2.38 pm

Xander

I think I´ve broken him.

I honestly didn´t mean for it to get to this point. I..I just had to teach him a lesson. Make him learn that there is no way in Hell that I´m going to be putting up with the shit that he still pulls. And I´m sure as Hell not going to just stand around and let him fuck who and what he wants, whenever he wants. He´s mine and I´m not sharing.

I didn´t think that my lesson was going to have this type of effect on him. Yeah, sure..I *knew* that it was going to make him real upset and get him into one of those ´heavy breathing´ episodes that he only does when majorly stressed, but I have so gone too far this time.

The lesson wasn´t much and I was even going to bring him back to bed with me in a few nights. It was just a real simple one as well. Just shifted everything of his into the spare bedroom so that it was clear where he was going to be sleeping from now on. You know, the whore gets his own bedroom because no one wants to sleep with a whore on a permanent basis sort of deal. I had to do it. If I don´t get it through his head that he can´t go around ´shagging´ who he wants, then one day, he´s going to pick the wrong person to mess with. Shit, he might even get himself into more trouble than he already is.

I wasn´t being cruel...ok, I was, but it´s not like I´m not going to make it up to him later. I have to do this, have to give him ´lessons´ because asking him not to do things just doesn´t work, and I really wanted this one to stick in his mind.

I only did it because I know how much he hates to be alone. Especially when he goes to sleep. I don´t think I can ever remember him not clinging to my hand at some time during the night since the first time he did it, about a week or so after the attack in the crypt. Figured that this would really drive the point home. He hates going to bed alone and he gets all pouty and sulky when we don´t climb into bed together, even when I´m only a minute or two behind him. I swear to God, I was only going to make him sleep alone for a few nights, maybe three at a push.

Christ, I hope he´s not in any pain because if he is, I can´t tell. I can´t believe how much blood there is, there is no way he´s drunk enough to be able to produce all this. No fucking way.

So, he took one look at the room and did exactly what I thought he would. Spike just fell to the floor and started in on a major tear session and that´s where I left him. Everytime he whined at me, I told him to shut up. Had to drag him out of the main bedroom once, he had gotten undressed while I was in the shower and had climbed into bed. Ready with legs spread, lying on his back. Could see him trying to relax enough to put a smile on his face but there was no way he was going to stop gripping at the blankets.

I know how much he hates taking it ´like a woman´ as he calls it and I very nearly just called the whole thing off. Don´t get me wrong, I was still angry at what he had deliberately done but for him to actually offer himself to me like that... But the lesson had to stick with him so Spike got screamed at and dragged back into what was now his room. Told him that the main bedroom was now mine and if he wanted to enter, he had to ask me and if I was already in there, he was to knock on the door before entering. That set him off really bad, I mean *really* bad. I still can´t believe that the walls didn´t shake with how loud he was crying. As much as I wanted to tell him that he wouldn´t be by himself for long, I had to ignore his continual tears and shut the door in his face. Spike had to learn his lesson.

I went to sleep to the sound of his crying and panting coming through from the bedroom next to me. Didn´t really sleep too well, to tell the truth, I was so used to Spike being in the same bed as me. Each time I rolled over, I automatically searched for one of his hands so that he could could hold mine. Almost freaked a few times when I realised he wasn´t beside me until I remembered where he was and why he was there. I guess I´ve never really taken in how much I like having him beside me. Wasn´t going to tell him that in a hurry though. Wanted to make him suffer and squirm for a few days, could always catch up on my sleep once he was back in bed with me.

Oh yeah, I made him suffer all right. I just hadn´t realised how much until I walked into the spare bedroom early this morning, stroking myself hard at the thought of having a whimpering cool body underneath me. Didn´t bother to knock on the door, he was a whore and whores didn´t have privacy as far as I was concerned. Was more worried about relieving myself deep in his ass. Disgusting but true.

Took one look at what was lying on the mattress in the middle of the floor and I swear, my jaw hit the ground, my hard on running for the hills only seconds later.

Never in my whole life have I ever seen so much blood.

It was *everywhere*.

It looked like someone had come in and just thrown bucket after bucket of blood over him. He was covered from head to toe in it. I don´t think I´ve ever screamed before but I sure as Hell did then. Long, loud and clear and that´s what cleared the haze of shock and sent me virtually flying to his side. All I could think was that someone had broken into the house in the middle of the night and attacked Spike. Hurt him so very badly because no matter how many times I was asking him to open his eyes, Spike was totally out of it. Just laying on a wet soggy mattress and letting the tears flow.

The first thing I did was check him all over to see if he had been hurt in any way, but I didn´t find anything. Nothing. No cuts, stab wounds, gaping holes...nothing. I honestly couldn´t figure out why there was so much blood over him, the sheets and the blankets. Fuck, it had even soaked into both the mattress and the pillow I had given him. It was only when I bent down to pick him up that I realised I was shaking.

With Spike in my arms, literally dripping blood, the few steps to the bathroom was the longest walk I´ve ever made. The blood made him hard to get into the bath and I apologised every time I banged him around while trying to get him in. Can´t tell you how many times I accidently banged his head into the bath taps, I winced with each knock myself. It was just so hard, it was like trying to deal with a life–size ragdoll.

As I turned on the shower overhead and the bath, all I could think was that if he died – you know – died a second and final death, I would be really upset. Even more upset than I would have been if I had been with Anya or Cordelia and they had died. It sort of creeped me out, forcing me to concentrate on cleaning him up.

I started with his face, wiping the thick blood tears away as gently as I could before angling him more into the water stream so that I could rinse the drying blood from his hair. And it was then that I sort of grabbed a clue as to that there was something so much more majorly wrong that what it looked like at first. Spike´s skin was this horrible grey colour, not the usual stark white that I´ve come to crave. His lips were a light blue, his eyes had started to sink back into his head. I can tell you now, I was almost afraid to touch him. Thought that maybe he would crumble into dust if I wasn´t too careful.

He really did look like a corpse and he was about as responsive as one. Kept talking to him, asking him to open his eyes...talk to me...grunt at me...do anything to show me that he could hear me. All through my washing of him, Spike kept crying and I had to keep washing his face. He was crying so hard that I actually got a little routine happening. You know, rub rub of the body, rinse Spike´s face, rub rub of the body, rinse Spike´s face.

Finally, he was all clean and I was still just having to wipe at his face. Kept asking Spike to stop crying but he either couldn´t hear me or didn´t want to. I´ve seen him cry before. Lots of times and usually, I´m the one to make him cry but I had never seen tears like this. Spike sometimes cries long enough for his tears to become tinged with blood and from what the G–man told me, that´s unusual and not healthy.

Half the reason I yell at him to stop his crying is that I don´t want him to make himself sick, the other is that I really hate it and it pisses me off more than anything. This time, however, all I could feel was this tight ball of fear deep in the pit of my stomach and I started to wonder just how long Spike had been crying real blood for. It have gone on for hours, for as long as I´ve been asleep because when I had to take Spike back to the spare bedroom, his tears were definately pink tinged then. Just thought that he would eventually stop, like he always does in the end. I think that maybe he had a nightmare and rolled around a whole lot on the bed which would have spread the blood around. Fuck, maybe he had a ´flash´ or even an epileptic fit sort of thing? I don´t know but I do know I´m scared shitless that he´s not going to be around for much longer.

But he didn´t stop crying and this time, its my fault he´s sick. I´m the one whose caused this. Not anyone else but me. I´ve tried to teach him a lesson and it´s gone so seriously wrong and I have no idea of how to fix it.

I can´t get him to stop crying. Thought that giving him some blood would make him feel better and he would stop but all that did was make the tears flow faster. The tears are like a tap that I can´t shut off, constantly flowing down his cheeks in a thick red trail. I can´t believe how fast they are, he has to have lost well over a half dozen pints. Actually, he *has* to have lost more than that.

I´ve tried to call Giles but he´s not at home and the shop is closed. Left a message on Buffy´s answering machine telling her to get Giles to ring me, same message that´s on Will´s and Tara´s machine in their dorm room. It´s times like this that I wished we had all gotten cell phones. At least that way, I could get Wills and Tara out looking for Giles. God, I´m ringing almost every fifteen minutes. They´re going to kill me but I don´t care. Spike´s sick and he needs help. Now.

I´m sitting in a cold bath tub, Spike wrapped in a thick blanket, his head resting against my chest because I know that he likes to listen to my heart beat. So, I´m hoping that in some way it´s helping him. Don´t know how but I´m hoping.

Jesus Giles, ring soon.

If he doesn´t ring soon then I´m going to have to swallow my pride and ring Deadboy. I so seriously don´t want to but I will if I have to.

I´m so sorry Spike, I never meant for this to happen. I promise that I´ll make it up to you. I..I know that I promise you a lot of things and I make promises even when I don´t mean it but this time, I swear, I really do mean it. I just had to do this. Had to be the grown–up. Had to be the man and take control.

What if I´ve pushed him over an edge that I didn´t even know he was standing on?

Please Spike?

5 March, Monday, 2001

3.22 pm

//Hello? Angel Investigations, we help the hopeless//, a male voice monotoned into the phone.

"Umm, hi Angel. It´s Xander," stated the somewhat nervous youth, hoping against all odds that Angel wouldn´t just hang up on him. Sitting on a thick towel on the bathroom floor in an effort to make himself more comfortable, Xander kept close watch upon Spike for some sign of improvement.

//Harris. Cordelia´s not here at the moment, do you want me to get her to call you back?//

"Ahhhh...umm..no. I don´t want to talk to Cordy..ummm, I sort of need your help?" Xander tentively enquired. his stomach fluttering as he wondered just how to broach the subject with Angel.

//You have a problem and you need my help? Let me guess, Giles and the other´s can´t help you and I´m your last resort?//

"Yeah, you are. Anyway, its not me that´s got the problem, well, ok it is in a way but it´s Spike really. We need your help. Bad..really bad and no, Giles can´t help with this because I can´t find him so that means I need help from you."

//Not interested. I want nothing to do with him and I *really* don´t want to know anything about Spike unless his chip is out. Is it out?// came Angel´s calm and emotionless reply.

"Shit Angel, no its not and thanks for the whole ´care´ factor. Like I sai..." snapped Xander, his nervousness giving way to annoyance as he was cut off by the other man.

//What do you want Harris? I´ve got better things to do and if Spike has a problem, you sort it out. You´re the one that took him to Alaska. It´s your own fault if you can´t handle him. If you´re finding it hard, stake him and be done with it. Look, when you took Spike, I washed my hands of him. As far as I´m concerned, he´s all yours.//, Angel shot back, his own voice now tinged with annoyance.

"Spike´s bleeding to death." blurted out Xander, his whole body tensing in anger at Angels attitude towards both himself and Spike, his tension reaching its peak at Angel´s almost bellowed reply.

//*What?*// Angel asked in a startled tone.

"Since last night sometime. I only found him this morning. Angel, he´s crying himself to death. Crying real blood and each time I try to feed him up again, he just cries faster. I..I don´t know what to do." Xander said softly into the phone, reaching his free hand out to wipe away the tears from Spike´s face with a damp washcloth.

//Since last night? He´s crying? Spike doesn´t cry...ok, maybe he does since his accident but this sounds...odd. What happened?// Angel asked, his annoyance letting up a little as curiosity crept into his words.

His body almost collapsing from the sudden release of tension, Xander gave a quick thanks to the heavens above that Angel was at least somewhat curious about what was wrong with Spike. With a deep breath and another quick face wipe for Spike, Xander started to tell Angel what had caused Spike´s condition.

"OK. He´s been crying real blood since sometime late last night. I don´t know how long because, you know, we don´t...ummm...share a room or anything. We sort of had this huge fight and I got Spike upset enough so that he turned on the waterworks. He went to his room, I went to mine and that was it until this morning. Only found him after he didn´t come out for his breakfast." said Xander, lying through his teeth. There was no way in Hell that he was actually going to tell Angel the real truth behind their relationship. "I knocked on his door and when he didn´t answer, I went in to see if he was ok. I just thought that it was a bit weird that he would miss breakfast..he just never does that."

//Very domestic for you both. Anyway, what happened then?//

"He was covered in blood. Head to foot and he hasn´t opened his eyes since I found him, hasn´t moved either. He´s just like a big ragdoll. I took him into the bathroom after I couldn´t find anything wrong with him and washed him off. Spike´s this weird grey colour all over. His eyes have sort of sunken back into his head and his lips are a funny blue colour."

//A ragdoll? I´m sure Spike would like that. What´s his skin feel like? Is he making any noises or moving at all?// The annoyance had now left the vampires tone.

"No. No, not moving at all or making any sounds. His skin is really dry and sort of weird to touch and definately feels a lot cooler than usual. Jesus, how do I say this, I think he´s, you know...shrivelling up?" stated Xander as he ran his free hand over Spikes drawn face. Looking down at the still form laying in the bath, Xander took in the changes that were ravaging Spike´s body. In only a matter of hours, Spike had gone from a vampire in an almost perfect physical state to one that was in a seriously unhealthy condition. Since being found, Spike had lost all his muscle definition, his whole body growing so thin that Xander could just begin to see Spike´s bone structure lying under the wrinkling paper like skin. The worst was how Spike´s tortured body was starting to forcefully curl the vampire into a fetal position and still, Spike was continuing to cry at an alarming rate, something that Xander was finding both distasteful and frightening.

As Xander relayed all this to Angel, he answered his lovers Sire´s questions as truthfully as he could, without incriminating himself. Shifting the phone to his other hand, Xander reached out and started to gently run his fingers through Spike´s damp dull hair only to quickly snatch his hand back in horror. With his hand held up to his face, Xander looked at what was sticking to it with a sick fascination.

"Oh fuck..oh *fuck me*!"

//What..what´s wrong Xander, tell me?//

"His hair! His fucking hair is coming out...I think I´m gonna b...."

And with that, Xander moved as fast as he could towards the toilet, ignoring both the phone as it clattered onto the bathroom floor and the thin voice of Angel´s questions. His stomach heaving, Xander gulped down deep breaths as he leant over the bowl. In a swift action, he tore off a length of toilet paper and furiously began wiping the strands of bleached hair that insisted on sticking to his palm and fingers.

"It wont´t come off...Why the hell isn´t it coming off? Get off, just *get off*!" exclaimed Xander. All the while he was doing this, he could hear Angel´s faint voice demanding that Xander pick up the phone and talk to him. Finally, after Xander could no longer see or feel any more of Spikes hair on his body, he rose from his knees and quickly washed his hands at the bathroom sink. Wet hands wiped on the small towel hanging next to the bath, Xander sat himself heavily upon the floor again and picked up the phone.

//Xander...Harris? Haaaaarrrrisss? Xaaaaannn...// Angel sing–songed down the phone.

"Deadboy...ANGEL! I´m here. Sorry about that but..Spike´s hair..oh God..it´s so gross!" grimaced Xander, unconsciously rubbing his palm against his thigh in an effort to get rid of the false sensation of Spike´s hair clinging to his hand. "What? Sorry..so fucking sorry but I have this *thing* about hair, OK?"

//I *really* didn´t want to know that and I so very much don´t want to know why you have such a *thing* about hair//

"Don´t worry Deadboy, I wouldn´t tell you anyway and gee, sounds like someone has been hanging around Cordelia too much..Sorry..Jesus don´t hang up...No, don´t! Please?" pleaded Xander, his stomach lurching as Angel threatened to end the so far poor excuse for a conversation. As much as he disliked Angel, Xander forced himself to apologise, and with an eventual grunt of satisfaction from down the other end of the line, Xander listened as Angel ran through what Spike was currently experiencing.

//So let me get this straight. You two have a fight last night, about what I really don´t care, and you both go to your seperate rooms. You find Spike this morning and Spike is sort of dehydrating himself to death by crying continuously. Is that right?//

"Yeah that´s about right. Dea...Angel, he´s dying..you know..Again. Angel, I like him. Since the crypt incident, we´ve become friends and I don´t want to lose a friend. What´s wrong with him and how do I fix it?"

//Just friends huh? Are you sure about that? Alright..alright, just asking, no need to start yelling Harris. It´s just..If its what I think it is and if I´m right...then it really isn´t making any sense? Harris...Xander, have any other vampires or demons been hanging around either you or Spike?// came the firmly asked question.

"Spike works for some Chinese demons and is pretty good friends with Lukas...Yeah thats right, the ones who own the restaurant and Lukas is the Kava demon..why?" Xander tentively answered. He really didn´t like the path that Angel´s questions were following and Xander was starting to have a bad feeling that he was going to have to tell Angel the exact nature of the relationship between Spike and himself, something he really didn´t want to do.

//Are you absolutely sure? You can´t think of one other demon other than who you just mentioned that may be following Spike? Think Harris, this is *very* important//

"None apart from the Veronkif´s but we´ve never met them and anyway, Spike is the only vampire in Pennington. There´s not much of demon community up here, its not like Sunnydale or even L.A. It´s really small."

//Veronkifs? No..they only stick to their own kind. They wouldn´t touch Spike. What about vampires from another town?//

With an exasperated sigh, Xander went on to tell Angel that the closest vampire lived in North Pole, a good forty five minutes away while both Fairbanks and Anchorage had a couple of small sized vampire gangs although they didn´t cause many problems.

"Seriously though Deadboy, we haven´t crossed paths with any of them. All the demons up here sort of stay out each others way."

//Uh–huh. This is making no sense at all. Ahhhhh..is Spike seeing anyone...Sleeping with anyone?// Angel hesitantly enquired.

"No! I...I mean not that I know of and what does that have to do with how he is now? Look..are you going to help us or not?" demanded Xander, his fear for Spike´s well–being giving way to another wave of annoyance due to the direction of Angel´s questions. Picking up the wash cloth, Xander postioned the phone in the crook of his neck as he turned on the bath taps to rinse the blood from the once white cloth.

//Harris, I´m trying to help you alright? Good. OK, does Spike have...um...any sort of feelings for you?// was the next obviously reluctant question.

"What? No..I mean..we *are* friends but no...no way. I´m not gay Deadboy...and Spike..no fucking way!" Xander shot back, his heart starting to beat rapidly as Angel finally stepped into the very territory that Xander was trying to avoid. Xander couldn´t believe he was lying so much and he only hoped that it wouldn´t all blow up in his face, although he knew that by telling the truth he would make it so much easier, Xander just wasn´t ready to declare himself ´out´ to his lover´s Sire. "What do you mean feelings...you so can´t be meaning the ´happy..gay´ sort?"

//Exactly the ´happy gay´ sort and I asked if Spike did, not you afterall, we all know you´re not gay. You´ve said that often enough. So does he have more than friendly intentions towards you or not? Harris...Xander? Are you still there? Answer me?//

Oh God, thought Xander, I can´t believe I´m gonna say this. With a deep breath, he answered Angel´s question.

"I think so. Ummmm....one night, not too long after we first arrived here, we got really drunk and he...ahhhhh...sort of tried to..you know..ummm..kiss me. But..but..I told him straight away that I wasn´t like that and we sort of never went to that scary little place again." said Xander, his annoyance giving way to shame by the need to place the blame solely on Spike. Unable to stop himself from the false confession, he continued. "That is until last night. He...he..tried to kiss me again, I sort of pushed him away and that´s what we fought about. I said some really bad things and I´m the one that made him start crying. I just thought that he would stop, he always does in the end."

Bottom lip chewed nervously, Xander felt his whole face flush with a deep heat as Angel gave a short laugh. With a familiar ease, Xander reached over, and with the damp washer, carefully wiped the twin trails of blood from Spike´s dry cracked face.

//Bet admitting that just about killed you huh Harris? Yeah..it did, I can hear it. Alright...alright, don´t get so annoyed..Sorry alright? Fine. From what Giles told me about Spike after his accident, your the one looking out for Spike..is that right? He´s somewhat dependant on you? Hmmm..thought so.//

Oh Jesus. He knows, thought Xander.

His palms sweating, Xander gulped audibly as his tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth in his suddenly dry mouth. With growing worry, Xander waited for Angel to continue.

//Before you say it, I know you´re not gay but have you..*ever*..given Spike any sort of come on...given him an indication that you in...let me finish Harris...in any way might possibly return his feelings? Think Xander, anything at all? A touch here or there...a few looks between you...did you return the kiss last night?// Hesitant once again to ask questions of this thread, Angel nethertheless plowed ahead.

"W..why? I mean..no..no, I..I don´t think so. Why..why are you asking me this?" croaked out Xander, horrified that he already knew why Angel was asking these type of questions. Xander couldn´t help himself, he just had to hear Angel spellout what he already knew and with that thought, he found himself gently stroking Spike´s hollow cheek as Angel continued.

//You say no but you´re really not sure. Xander, you said something earlier about Spike´s skin being cooler than normal...how often do you touch Spike to know that?//

"Aaaahhhh...errrrr, sometimes when he has a..uuuhhh..crying fit, he..he needs a bit...bit of human contact. A hug so I..you know..justdothatandnothingelse" Xander blurted out somewhat truthfully. Ashamed of himself and the need to lie almost compulsively, Xander found himself wiping a hand over his eyes in order to stop the pricking of tears. Never in his whole life had he ever felt such conflicting emotions as he was currently experiencing. Even thought Xander wanted to do all he could to help Spike, he just couldn´t seem to do what was needed and what was needed was to tell Angel the whole truth. As he waited for Angel to make some sort of comment as to what he had just said, Xander admitted to himself that the reason he was so unwilling to tell Angel all was that he in no way wanted Angel to become interested in Spike again.

//So a hug every now and again is the closest you two get? Uh–huh. Last night..you basically rejected Spike´s advances..you did..right. And that´s what the fight was about wasn´t it...right. Last night...did you make a final rejection of him...I mean something...something more than before..like ask him to move out..threaten to end the friendship at all?// came the carefully worded query.

"Yes." whispered Xander, collapsing heavily against the side of the bath as he recalled his carefully thought out punishment for Spike. Shock coursing through his body at the far reaching ramifications he had caused, Xander went on. "I...I sort of told him that I wouldn´t put up with that type of shit anymore. I pretty much put my foot down and that´s what got him so upset."

//Harris, what do you know about vampire relationships? Particularly Claimants and Adored´s? Harris...Xander? Xaaaannndeeerrr? Hello? Hello..you still there? Answ...//

"Yeah...yeah. I´m still here. Ummm..sorry..sorry what did you say Angel?" asked Xander, forcing himself to concentrate on what Angel was repeating. "A bit. I do know a bit about it. Read about it in one of the books that the G–man thinks he´s hidden away. Why?"

//Ok...what I think is that, for a reason that totally escapes me, Spike has somehow latched onto you and is identifiying you as his Claimant and has convinced himself that he is your Adored. You following me so far?//

"Uh–huh. Spike´s my Adored and I´m his Claimant. Right." Xander replied, his heart sinking at Angels words. With a shaky hand, Xander reached up and wiped away the first of his tears. If only the earth would swallow him, thought Xander. He honestly couldn´t ever remember being so ashamed, embarrassed and scared at the same time in his whole life.

//Now I know you wouldn´t have gone through the Claiming process so I won´t go into that. What I´m pretty sure is happening is that your final rejection of Spike has started something called ´The Shaming´. I don´t really know how to explain it, only that you won´t find it in any of the Watcher´s Diaries or in any books about Vampires. It´s something that´s only very, very rarely seen. What happens is that when an Adored has had, what they feel, is a final rejection from his Claimant, the Adored goes into a crying fit..exactly like you described..and pretty much cries themselves to death. The more they cry, the more their body breaks down and...disolves...into blood in order for them to keep crying. Finally, they get so dehydrated, they just crumble into dust.//

Horrified, Xander just sat and listened as Angel described the ritual in a calm voice, a cold clinical tone taking over the hesitancy of the earlier questions.

//Basically, what Spike is doing is committing suicide. He´d rather be dead than live with the shame of you rejecting him. It´s a last ditch attempt to get your attention and hopefully convince you to accept him.//

"Keep...keep going. I need to know?" Xander softly pleaded, hating himself for what he had caused.

//It´s rare because usually when a Claimant has had enough of their Adored, they either give them to another Claimant and they have a token fight with the old Claimant ´losing´ to the new one to allow the Claimant taking over to iniate the Claiming process, turn the Adored away after five years has passed and allowing them to become a free vampire again or they just stake them. Sometimes, its even the Adored who chooses the new Claimant and organises the fight between his or her current Claimant and the new one.//

"Why does this..this ´Shaming´ happen? I mean I know why but...you know...*why*?"

//Because this is the only option left open to them. When all the pleading, the offering of themselves and all attempts to become the Claimants most ´Adored´ possession once again has failed, this is their last cry for attention and help. Do you understand? What happened last night between you both was the catalyst for this. Harris, what did you say to him...what did you do because for Spike to start ´The Shaming´...something big must have happened.//

´Offering of themselves?´ With Angel´s words sending chills down his spine, Xander couldn´t help but think back to the night before when he had found Spike willingly offering himself like a woman to Xander. Barely hearing Angel´s questions, Xander couldn´t help but start crying out loud, something that prompted Angel to ask if he was alright.

"No...no I´m not alright Angel. This is my fault. We didn´t just have an argument last night. I had a shower and when I got back into my room, Spike was naked and...and..off..offering himself to me. He *offered* himself to me Angel and all I did was yell at him and drag him back into the spare bedroom."

//*What*?// demanded Angel, his calm demeanour gone in an instant as he listened to what Xander was admitting.

"I did. I yelled at him and rejected him totally and this is all my fault. I´ve killed him....Oh my God, I´m killing him right now..how do I fix this...Please Angel...Help me?"

//I´ve only seen it fixed once and it doesn´t matter how because it doesn´t apply to you and Spike. Xander, this isn´t your fault. You had no idea that Spike thought of you this strongly...ok, you knew he was attracted to you but not like this. The best and most humane thing you can do for him right now is to stake him.// Angel replied somewhat uncomfortably, trying his best not to sound too harsh.

"NO! I will *not* murder him. I can´t just *stake* him....Deadboy, I can´t. How do I fix him?" asked Xander, every last bit of his pride vanishing as he was reduced to pleading with someone he couldn´t even stand living in the same city as.

//Just calm yourself down Harris. You are going to have to stake him to put him out of his misery. The sooner, the better. If you...no, you just listen...if you do it now, you can save him hours of agony. You don´t want him to suffer do you...you are his friend aren´t you? Of course it would hurt! How do you think it would feel to have your body disolving? Are you crying Harris?//

"I..I couldn´t tell if he hurt or not and fuck you..yes I´m crying. I..he. He´s my friend and I´ve killed him so yeah, allow me to feel just a little upset about that...is that alright with you? Oh really...are you sure? Well fuck you very much *Liam*," spat Xander, unable to help himself from lashing out verbally at the only person available. Smiling bitterly to himself, Xander listened as Angel swore at him and abused Xander for calling him by his human name.

//You asshole, what gives you the right to call me that? Hmmm..just what gives you the damn right? Don´t you ever call me that again....never! No–one calls me that and if you know whats good for you, you´ll never repeat that word anywhere where I or others can hear it. Do you understand? Good. The only reason I´m not hanging up on you is that my life wouldn´t be worth living if Cordelia found out I didn´t help you....you got that *Alexander Lavelle*?// came the icy reply.

"Bastard! And lets all hail ´Queen C´s´ reign of terror on the undead shall we?" shot back Xander, wiping at Spikes tears before he put down the cloth and wiped at his own. His smile growing a mere fraction warmer as he re–called just how scary Cordelia could be up close and personal when offended, Xander knew that Angel had a very legitimate fear for his own life. Xander´s anger towards Angel calming down a little as he finally found that they had something in common, he continued. "Yeah, she can be a little...vicious at times can´t she?"

//No...really? She´s mellowed though..a lot. Suits her too but she´s still more than happy to vent an ´opinion´ when she wants to.//

"Yeah, don´t I know it. Deadboy....I´m sorry. I´m upset and I really want to fix Spike. Can we just forget about what I said?" tentively enquired Xander, both thankful for Cordelia´s reputation for being a little scary and hating himself even more as he was forced to continue to beg for Angels help. "Fuck it! Angel...I´ll pay you if that´s what its going to take...I can sell the car..the stereo..whatever? Just tell me how the other Adored was fixed."

//All forgotten Harris. Just bear in mind what I said and everything will be fine. You really like Spike huh? Yeah well, your pretty much the only who does then and don´t worry, we´ll call this a favour and one day maybe you can repay me OK? Good. Now, the only time I´ve seen it happen is when a Claimant finally decided that he wanted his Adored to stick around for a little longer. The only thing that´s going to slow down Spike´s ´Shaming´ is either Sire´s blood or Claimant blood.//

"How...Tell me how?"

//I don´t know why you want to know this...it´s not going to work for you two..you´re not his Claimant. Ok..ok...don´t yell at me, alright? It takes a vampire who is bound to the Adored by either scent or blood to halt ´The Shaming´. Sires are bound by blood and Claimants are bound by scent, sometimes both. Once the Adored has drunk enough blood and has stopped crying, the Claimant then has to nurse the Adored back into health and once the Adored is healthy enough, the bond between them is re–established and everyone is happy again. There, satisfied?// said Angel, a little snidely.

"Just..like..that?" asked Xander, his mind reeling as to how he was supposed to find Diehl at such short notice. He knew that Diehl recruited for the army but where he was at that moment, Xander had no idea. With a deep groan, Xander forced himself to listen to Angel once again.

//No..no, its not that simple. Harris, the Claimant has to repeatedly assure the Adored that they are wanted, needed and most of all, loved. Just suppose you manage to stop Spike crying, are you going to tell him that you love him? I really don´t think so, do you? Because if you do, it´s just going to give Spike the come on and when you reject his advances again...Do you know where I´m headed with this?//

"Umm...Spike starts ´The Shaming´ again?" Xander questioned even though he already knew the answer. Unconsciously, he nodded his head as Angel confirmed the truth.

//Xander, stake him. Be a good friend and just do it. Put him ou...// started Angel in a soft voice before he was cut off by Xander.

"Would it work if the Claimant was a human? Angel..would it?"

//Harris...what´s going on? Tell me you didn´t?// came the demanding question.

"Just answer me Deadboy, if Spike was Claimed by a human, would the ritual work?" Xander asked in an equally demanding tone of voice, his stomach fluttering in nervousness even as his hopes were bumped up a notch.

After a lenghty silence on both ends of the phone, Angel was the one to break it, speaking in such a calm tone, Xander couldn´t help but shiver at the underlying menace.

//Are you his Claimant?//

"No. I know who is and he´s due to see Spike on Friday."

//Spike´s going to be dust by then, Xander...you have something to tell me don´t you?//

With a half choked sob, Xander found himself feeling a little lightheaded as he realised he was going to have to tell Angel the whole truth. Just as he wiped at a stray tear, he was struck with a sudden thought that made him give a half–hearted smile.

"Yeah Angel, I have to tell you a big complicated something."

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