But I Love You 1 – 2

People to thank: Both my muses, Saber Shadowkitten and Tisienne Blue. Without them, this would never happen. Also a big kiss for all the effort Nancy is putting into the archive, Xander Xtreme. will be up soon.

This is the fourth set of chapters in The Long Spiral Downwards series. The first one is FULL CIRCLE followed by ONCE BITTEN, TWICE SHY and CHANNEL ALASKA.

The boys are still in Alaska. This takes place a week before Christmas. To all those who asked and begged, Spike will not be regaining his voice. Remember this is a Darkfic, if you don´t like the content, don´t read.

(~) before and after a sentence indicates Spikes thoughts.

19 December 2000

They were officially snowed in and had been for 4 days so far. Xander and Spike were both bored beyond belief. The tv was on almost constantly as was the wood heater. Even though the main room was warm, the temperature in the two bedrooms and bathroom was noticeably colder. It had been a mutual descion to swap the couch for the two mattresses, the couch now being in the first bedroom. They were out of milk, bread and vegetables and starting to run low on the instant noodles. The only one who had a good selection of food was Twatcat.

The two males had just sunk to a new low. They were playing Snap while sitting on the bed. Xander couldn´t even bring himself to pretend to enjoy the game anymore. He was feeling tired and grumpy almost constantly now, in direct contrast to the boundless energy displayed by the bleached vampire. Cards dealt for another round, the brunette sighed and gathered up his stack as the blond leered at him. Xander knew with just one more minute in the vampires company, he could finally be labled crazier than Drusilla. It was taking all his effort right now not to punch the other male.

A month ago, he had broken some of the blonds bones in an attack that had left the vampire cowering from him for days. The brunette had gone so far as to break a promise to the blond as well. In a fit of pure rage, Xander had virtually raped the other male in the very position that he had promised never to try. The rage had been a combination of things. Anger that the blond had tried to run from him again, disgust at learning what Baxter stood for, embarrassment that he was considered naive by his work mates and determination never to be made the butt of other peoples jokes again.

He had blindly thrust into the pale body with absolute no regard to preparing the male and had rammed as hard as he could with each thrust. The brunette had set a punishing pace and hadn´t taken any notice of the whimpering beneath him. It was only when he had pulled out and noticed the blood on his penis, that it had hit him that this time an apology wasn´t going to make it all better. He had stared open mouthed at the abused ribs, they had taken only moments to bloom into huge black and purple swirls, matching the numerous other bruises dotted around the pale body.

Xander had sat back on his heels, jeans still around his thighs. The vampire´s hand taken up, he winced as he tried to pull the horribly bent finger straight. He had kicked at the hand while Spike was trying to protect his already damaged ribs. The blond had just looked up at him with big blue eyes, full of tears. With a washcloth, he had cleaned the cum and blood from the torn anus all the while trying to ignore the vampires cringing. He just hadn´t known what to say, sorry being so inappropriate for what he had done.

The brunette knew that he had a vile temper but it had gone beyond a simple slapping and into Riley territory.

Once he had bandaged the vampire up, he had helped the other man into bed, slowly walking across the cabin floor due to the heavily bruised thighs. It had taken almost three days for the blond to stop cringing from him whenever he approached. Xander had been surprised that Spike hadn´t suffered from any nightmares during that time, the blond had refrained from touching him in bed and the brunette had felt too guilty to push it.

Xander had been ready to almost cry in relief when he had woken up on the third morning with the blonds head nestled firmly on his chest, the rest of the cool body, clinging like normal to his own larger frame. They had taken it slow that morning and again in the night, Spike iniating for it to go harder the following days. It had been a fight between himself and Stan over a mouldy patch of wall that had made him lash out at the blond again, a week ago. He had come home cranky and annoyed that the dark haired man was blaming him for the wall not being dried properly before being smoothed over. Spike had playfully slapped at his hand when he had grabbed a carrot stick from his plate before the dinner was fully ready.

In less than a second, the brunette had found himself standing over a vampire that was cowering on the floor. Fist raised, he had given the blond a few more solid punches to the back and had stomped off to bed, telling the vampire never to slap at him again and demanding a blow job. It had been expertly delivered as usual, the tension had just flowed out of his body. With arms wrapped around the other male, he had apologised for the beating.

Snapping back to reality as the blond won the game again, he pulled to smaller male towards him. He was soft but it wouldn´t be long before he was cuming down the cool throat. A blow job was just what he needed to relieve the boredom, he might even give the vampire a hand job later on that afternoon.

25 December 2000

RING

RING

RING

RING

"Aaahhh!" yelled Xander. Half stumbling, half rolling out of bed, he made his way towards the phone. Receiver snatched up, he bellowed an annoyed hello at the person on the other end of the line. The brunette winced as squeals of ´Merry Christmas´ came from Willow. With a hand run through his thick hair, he waited until the red head gathered a breath before attempting to answer her questions.

Watching the brunette talk on the phone, Spike wished that Xander had been able to finish the hand job before answering the phone. He was lying on his back in the middle of the bed, legs spread, arms crossed above his head. The blond didn´t dare move from the instructed position, it would only make the youth more cranky than usual. Ever since the snow had started and the days had gotten shorter, Xander had been in an almost constant state of annoyance. The vampire was the complete opposite, energetic and when he wasn´t getting a slapping, happy.

The vampire wasn´t happy at being on his back but he had decided that it just wasn´t worth the effort anymore. After Xander had laid into him in the kitchen and then ´raped´ him, he knew that he could no longer trust the younger man not to do it again. He loved the brunette but he was saddened by the fact that he didn´t trust him. It had taken a few day´s thinking about why he loved the youth, only to find out that he really didn´t know. He was grateful for being taken in, was full of pride when he saw Xander defend him and whenever the brunette smiled at him, he was full of soft glowy feelings that came straight from the bottom of his stomach.

He was also embarrassed to be classed as disabled, horrified that he deffered to a human and humiliated to be used as a punching bag by someone other than his Sire or Claimant. It seemed that the more he was beaten, the further he was falling into love with the youth. He was a Master Vampire in his own right and by any laws and traditions, the only one who had any right to lay into him was his Sire or Claimant. Until the former soldiers claim wore off and Xander did the claim properly, he was really just getting laid into by a human. A human that he was in love with.

~ I love him. My own fault that he smacks me around anyway, if I thought instead of doing first, then he wouldn´t need to do it. ~

With a big grin at the youth coming back towards him, Spike thrust his hips up in anticipation. He desperate for his hard on to be dealt with. Still lying in the required position, he closed his eyes as a large warm hand wrapped around his cock.

~ God, this is just great. Keep going Pet. ~

Small grunting sounds filled the main room of the cabin as Xander thumbed the tip of the white penis, sliding his fist up and down the solid length. He still was hesitant about giving hand jobs but the youth was definitely turned on by the way the vampire reacted every time he received one. Smiling down at the squirming male beneath him, he took in the lush dark lashes that fluttered onto the smooth white skin. With his one hand pumping the panting vampire, he reached a hand up to one of the finely chiselled cheekbones, gently running a finger along the length.

Spike snapped his eyes open as he felt the hot digit run along his face. He smiled up at the youth, who was getting flushed and breathing heavily himself. The vampire wished that he could tell the boy to go harder, he wanted more pressure on his cock and a faster wank.

~ Beggars can´t be choosers. Damn lucky that I get this from him...Aaahhhh! Good, better, great ~

A harder grip on his cock had any thoughts leave his mind, letting him concentrate on the pure pleasure of cuming over himself and Xander. He eagerly licked the thick residue off the boys fingers, careful not to slice a digit with one of his fangs. Almost finished, he was surprised to see Xander suck the rest of his cum from his index finger. With a quiet snicker, he smirked at the expression of slight distaste on the brunettes face.

~ Bit different from just kissing with it to actually taking a gob full, vamp cum is tasty compared to your crap. Be glad you don´t have to swallow that ~

Fingers shoved quickly back into his mouth, he proceeded to give the large digits a few swirls of his tongue to clean them. Sniffing, he could smell how aroused the boy was and wondered how it would go this time.

"I want you to sit on me, facing me."

Spike nodded as he moved over so the brunette could lie down on the bed. With a swift movement, he threw a pale leg over the youths hips and settled himself on the toned abdomen. He could feel the erect cock nudging his backside and reaching behind him, he gave the thick organ a few strokes with a cool hand. The vampire bent down towards the other mans face, showering the flushed skin with small chaste kisses.

Thrusting his hips upwards, Xander grabbed the back of the blonds head and drew him close into a hot wet kiss that had both males groaning. Their tongues danced and wove their way into each others mouth, the brunette claiming dominance over the vampire. Slowly, Xander allowed the cool tongue to slip from his hot mouth. Delicately he traced a trail of heated touchings along each perfect cheekbone with his tongue, laughing as it made the bleached blond squirm on top of him. With a fumbled motion, he grabbed the lube from beside the bed and placed the tube into the cool hand reaching out for it and waited impatiently for the vampire to prepare himself.

~ Almost empty again, gonna have to start buying this stuff in bulk. Randy little sod ~

"Spike, if you don´t hurry, I´m going to cum anyway!"

A nod and the blond sped up his preparation, swirling two fingers inside of himself in an effort to spread the cool gel throughly. Shifting backwards, he got a firm grip on the massive thickness, running a wet finger around the hot head. Smirk firmly in place, he leant forward for a moment before rising slightly. Once he felt the heat just outside his puckered entrance, he slowly started to push down onto the thick rod.

"Jesus! Go slow, go slow. Sooooo good."

Xander moaned as he felt the coolness envelope his cock. He never lasted long with the blond in this position. Another swear bounced off the walls as the vampire sat fully on the brunette, the full length firmly inside. The youth raised his knees to give the blond some support for his back. A firm grasp on the slender hips and he indicated for the other man to start moving.

~ Hate this fucking position, not as bad as the other one though ~

Gently, Spike slid himself up and down the hard shaft.

The blond knew that it would only take a few minutes until the younger man came hard up into him, it was about the only good thing he could find about this particular position. With a gasp, he opened his eyes and looked down to see a large hand playing with his hardened nipples. The brunette was getting more adventurous with exploring the pale body, something that the vampire was really enjoying. He let out his own grunt/swear as the circling fingers were taken away only to be replaced with wet ones. Spike could feel himself getting hard again as his slow bouncing motions ensured that his prostrate was hit each time.

One hand gripping tightly to the slender hip, Xander traced his wet fingers around the pale nipples. He was delighted to find that they became hardened nubs with only a few touches. The brunette was finding that he wanted to touch more and more of the cool body that belonged to him. At first, it had been only about sex but he was genuinely attracted to the male vampire now. He found himself kissing and licking more of the cool skin as the weeks passed by. Xander wondered if getting rimmed was as good as he had read about. The whole idea was still a bit icky but after gathering up enough courage to get another gay porno, he had read a subscribers letter that extolled the virtues of getting a tongue around the back entrance.

This time, he hadn´t hidden the magazine and both males had lay in bed one morning and had jerked off together in between breakfast and coffees while going through the articles. He had told the vampire of his interest in rimming and had been relieved when he had gotten a huge smirk and a few sentences that told the brunette that it was as good as it sounded. Xander was still not sure that he wanted to receive it but one day he was going to get the vampire to do it.

"Almost....keeeep going! Yes Ahhhhh, god yes!"

Screamed the brunette as his cum gushed up into the blond. Leaving the hardened nipples, he grabbed the hard cock that was leaking onto his tight stomach. With firm swift strokes, he jerked the vampires pale length. Thumbing at the weeping head every few strokes, he told the blond to place his hands on his head, well away from his cock.

~ Damn! Good grip, harder.....harder, faster. Please?~

Spike was panting for all he was worth. His own hands were tightly wound through his ungelled hair as the tugging was getting faster. Tongue run over his fangs, he sliced the pale skin. He swallowed the tiny trickle of blood as he squirmed on top of the brunette, still with the flaccid cock buried deep inside of him. Giving his tongue another deeper slice, he gave a booming grunt as he cam hard over Xanders muscled chest.

Told that he could remove his hands, Spike dove down and kissed the brunette deeply. The two men leisurely ran their hands through each others hair. With a few thrusts of his hips, Xander told the blond to get off him. The vampire reached behind him, rising slightly as they both moaned when the spent cock slipped from the tight confines. Xander lay his legs back down on the bed, spreading them slightly.

The happy vampire spread himself along the exhausted boy, letting his legs slip in between the longer ones. Chest to chest, they continued to kiss and nibble at each other until in one swift movement, Xander rolled them over. Spike was now underneath the brunette, his knees nudged apart until he was in the very position he hated the most. Tensing, he lay rigid as the youth continued to lick and nibble his way along the vampires collarbone.

Xander felt the blond stiffen as he lay the other man in the traditional missionary position. The brunette still harboured guilty feelings over the attack but he couldn´t deny that he had liked the feel of the position. He wanted to try it again but without scaring the blond, he just wasn´t too sure how to go about it. Hopefully with enough incentive, the vampire would eventually give up resisting it.

"I want to do it this way again. I know I promised you never to do it but I will go gently next time, ok?"

Looking up into the serious chocolate eyes, Spike felt himself nod as his heart broke a little more. He didn´t really have a choice anyway. Even though the thought was repulsive, there wasn´t much he could do about it. He couldn´t fight the other man off and he was too afraid of ruining the brunettes good mood by indicating his unhappiness with the idea. Ever since the phone call from Willow over an hour ago, the youth had been noticeably happier and that was definitely a good thing. If he closed his eyes when the time came, maybe it wouldn´t be so bad.

~ Yeah, sure whatever. I don´t fucking trust you not to hurt me. Sodding well addicted to you though. ~

" I´m sorry but I can´t keep my promise, not when it feels so good like that"

Another nod and the blond was kissed deeply for being so good. A discarded t–shirt was plucked from the floor, allowing the brunette to wipe at both of their sticky chests. Standing up, Xander told the vampire to shower first as he made a few calls to Giles, Buffy and Cordelia before showering himself. They had been invited to Mac´s house for the day and were due to leave in just over an hour. A slap to his buttocks while passing the brunette and the blond made his way to the mildly warm bathroom.

Hearing Xander connect with the ex–watcher and making sure that he wasn´t looking towards the bathroom, Spike allowed the first tears to pour down his face. He just couldn´t believe that the brunette would be so heartless as to deliberately ignore a promise he had made to the vampire. Ordinarily the blond would be able to cry properly in peace while in the shower but after running from the younger man over a month ago, the brunette had out done himself by removing not the lock on the door but the whole door itself. The door in question was now residing in the spare bedroom along with the vampire´s correspondence course on woodwork.

With the cold weather, they hadn´t been able to get any timber until the wood mill opened again in early February. The leaflets and instructions were neatly stacked to one side, the bathroom door leaning beside them.

The only privacy he got these days, was to turn his back to the open door way and hope that the brunette didn´t catch him crying into the stream of warm water that flowed over his body. He was thankful that Xander seemed to be in a better frame of mind than he had woken up in but if the past was anything to go with, that would probably change without warning. The vampire was just going to have to play it carefully and try to ensure that the good mood lasted as long as possible. Once again, his hopes for being able to resume trusting the younger man had been dashed.

Letting the tears flow, he quietly sobbed into the warmth as he rinsed off the chamomile shower gel that they both favoured. He jumped in fright, almost slipping as a warm body moulded itself to his back.

"You´re upset with me aren´t you?"

He hesitated before nodding, his head rubbing against the toned shoulder of his protector. Spike waited for the slapping to begin. Instead, gentle hands ran themselves over his tense back, kneading at the knotted muscles. He let himself relax into the comforting motions, listening to Xander say that he was sorry for all his beatings, apologise for the attack in the kitchen. The blond stood underneath the water and just took it all, not believing a word of any of it. If it made Xander happy to apologise and kept him in a good mood, then the vampire was happy to accept it.

"You do believe me don´t you? I like you, I like you a lot. It´s not love but it´s more than just.... I don´t know. I can´t explain it"

Spike felt his dead heart lurch. Was there a possibility for the brunette to ever love him? Beatings be damned, if it was possible for Xander to fall in love with him in the future then he would put up with it all. Once Xander did fall in love with him, the brunette would probably stop the slapping anyway. He wouldn´t hurt what he loved, would he?

Turning around in the embrace that had enveloped him during the brunettes words, the vampire hugged the youth tightly, head buried in the crook of the neck. He was crying but now it was in happiness, so far it was the closest declaration of love he had ever received and he was going to grab at it with all he had. Xander ran his hands down the pale back, trying to soothe the sobbing male in his arms. It was true, it wasn´t love but it was way past plain like. His feelings were lust, possessiveness, pride that he owned such a beautiful male intermingled with his need to show dominance and discipline. He was fearful that the Scooby gang would find out about their relationship but after coming out to his work mates and basically the whole of Pennington, it wasn´t such a big deal as it once had been. Giles had been understanding and that had been a big help in letting him deal with his feelings towards another male.

Xander let go of the grinning blond so that he could lather himself up only to start laughing when the gel was snatched out of his hands. He stood with arms spread wide, letting the vampire rub his small hands all over his well muscled body. The brunette groaned as a soapy hand gently teased his twitching penis. After a minute of soft stroking, he had to tell the blond to stop as they were going to be late to Macs as it was. He swooped down into a hard brutal kiss at the pout displayed on the other mans face. Xander pulled the vampire hard against him, grinding his cock into the cooler one a few times before gently shoving the man out of the shower.

The brunette rinsed the last of the foam off him, turning the water off. Towel grabbed, he ran from the bathroom while trying not to slip, towards the wood heater. Jostling for room with the vampire, the two men made sure that they dried themselves off thoroughly. The brunette hoped that he had done the right thing by telling the blond about his feelings and judging by the smile that was yet to disappear, he had. With one hand, he grabbed at the slender male, pulling him towards him for a deep kiss. Towels flung over the two bar stools so that they could dry, the men started to dress from the pile of clothing that surrounded the bed.

"It´s cold out there, a flanny will probably be the best way to go"

~ Great, hillbilly Christmas here we come! Bet we get roast Spam and tinned cranberry jam. ~

The youth knew how much the vampire hated the flanlette shirts they had both resorted to wearing in an effort to keep warm. He loved to tease the blond about if he just grew a goatee, the slender man would truly belong to the white trash society. Telling the pouting blond to wait on the bed, he strode across towards the spare bedroom and opened one of the duffel bags stored in one corner. Brightly wrapped packages were taken from the dark green bag and carried back into the warm main room.

Spike stared at the gaudily wrapped that the youth dumped onto the bed. He knew that Xander had gotten him one present but he wasn´t expecting the rest. The vampire had only gotten the brunette a few small things while shopping in the Mall two days before. They had battled their way through the crowds. The place had been full of desperate people trying to shop for last minute presents before getting snowed in again.

"These are from Joyce and Giles. A couple from Willow and Tara as well. Buffy sent the card with the money order a couple of weeks ago, you know we bought the cd player with it."

A few wrapped presents were shoved at a startled vampire. He hesitated before ripping the paper off a bright green one. Giles had sent him a cd that featured the best of British punk rock.

~ All right! Crusty´s not too bad with the present giving, wonder what I got from Joyce? ~

The vampire picked up a solid heavy package that was undoubtedly a few books, ripping off the paper, he let a huge grin cross his face. One book on woodwork that featured how to carve words and pictures into wood as well as how to make chairs and tables. The other had detailed boxes and gift items. The Slayers mother had included a note hoping that he would find these to his liking. Spike made a mental note to write back as soon as possible thanking her. He was surprised to find that he actually cared that Joyce liked him and thought it was a pity about her daughter.

Concentrating on his own unwrapping, Xander discovered a cd from Giles and Anya. The best of the 90´s rock, Willow and Tara had sent him a selection of photos that featured the Scooby gang and instructions to get some good photo frames with the money included. He was touched that they had gone to the effort to include a photo of Xanders old work mates. Barney had sent him a few tins of Nescafe for Christmas as well as a box of Freddo Frogs in various flavours a few weeks ago.

As much as he was starting to settle in Pennington, he still missed everybody from Sunnydale. Cordelia had paid for a whole year´s subscription to an internet cafe that had just been set up in Pennington´s Mall. He would probably have to call Willow for her address before attempting anything.

A glance at the quiet man beside him and he saw that the vampire was pretty well off as well, something that he was pleased with. He unwrapped his own present from Joyce, a book on touring Alaska. How he was going to be able to that with a vampire in tow was beyond him but it was the thought that counted. He was shaken out of his ponderings by a gasp from the vampire.

With a gasp, Spike looked down at the voucher in his hand. It was from Willow and Tara, a voucher that entitled him to attend a sign language course at Fairbanks major college once winter was over. Looking over at Xander, he waved it in front of the grinning brunette who explained that he had already organised the time off from work so that they could both attend. It was a four day intensive course that went from 9am to 5.30pm, Monday to Thursday each semester. Xander happily told the vampire that they were booked into the first one in Spring. He had already called the college and informed them of Spike´s phobia and they were willing to organise a windowless room for the class.

The vampire flew across the bed, enveloping the laughing brunette in a cool hug. They spend a few minutes kissing before getting back to the rest of the presents. Xander opened his from Spike, the ripping of gaudy paper revealed an assortment of white chocolate. He moaned in delight as he saw the brands unwrapped. Lindor, Nestle, Guilyan and Red Tulip. None of these were cheap and he hoped that the other man hadn´t spent too much of his pay on him. His other present was a bottle of chocolate flavoured massage lotion and strawberry lube.

"Very nice, maybe we should try this out now?"

Xander leaned over, licking a hot trail from the pale collar bone to the delicate ear lobe. Sucking on the cool flesh for a moment, he pressed a soft package into the vampires hands before leaning back to allow the other male to unwrap his present. Spike tore at the gold and silver paper. Wrinkling his nose, he held up a flanlette shirt in solid red. With a look to Xander, he gestured at it in puzzlement.

Laughing, the brunette told him that he had to get it dyed especially as they didn´t come in solid colours. Two more packages were thrust at him, both revealing more solid coloured flanlette shirts, one in a deep blue and the other a plain black. Spike was happy with that. He liked the warm feel of them but he hated the look of the hideous shirts and only wore them out of sheer necessatie. They were about the only shirt that kept the cold out. He was feeling all glowy and warm that Xander had gone out of his way to get them dyed for him. Ripping off his red and white chequered shirt, he pulled on the red one, doing up the buttons with a huge grin on his face.

As he finished, he found one more small present pressed into his hands by a serious brunette. Slowly he unwrapped the small item. Underneath all the layers of paper was a jewellery box. Once opened, it revealed a silver chain. It was shorter than normal. Spike sat down beside the quiet male and gently kissed him on the cheek, holding it out so that Xander could put it on for him. The vampire was stunned, he knew that the chain wasn´t cheap. He had been eyeing it off for a while now but hadn´t been able to afford to even put it on layby. Every cent he had was to go towards his blood for the Summer. It was one of the new types of jewellery for men that was just starting to come into Alaska. The chain was the silver type that was seen mostly on heavy metal bands and surfers, it was not as chunky as most but still thick enough to be considered tough and grungy. It was pretty plain with no pendant but Spike was overjoyed that the brunette had taken notice of his wanting it.

The clasp firmly done up, the vampire turned so that Xander could see him. Smirking at the brunettes approval, he wished he could have a mirror just for once.

"Still the trendiest vamp in Alaska. Quick, blood for you and then we go. We´re late as it is"

Xander dressed as the vampire heated up his breakfast. They were late already for Mac´s lunch but he figured they wouldn´t be the last to show up. Both Spit and Fitzy were going to be the last arrive, they were almost always an hour or so late to everything. The only exception was the yearly woman auction. Lucas and Josesse were going to be there as well as Stephanie and the two Chinese demons and partners.

He put on his thick check jacket, thankful for the fleece lining. Fridge opened, he quickly fed Twatcat as the vampire finished his drink. Jacket grabbed, Spike shrugged on the coat noting that the red on both the jacket and shirt matched. He was almost beside himself with happiness. It had almost been a shit day but everything was just perfect now.

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