I Wonder
So that´s it, huh? No well–wishing, no friendly hugs, not even a fucking ´Thanks, it was a fun ride while it lasted´?
I suppose I should have seen it coming. Hells, I should have been expecting it, counting the days ´till it was going to be over and we went our separate ways. And that should have made me happy, right? A bit of a fling, a good time here and there and that´s all. Never have to amount to anything, never have to analyze things, never try and understand things that aren´t there. Things like friendship. Things like sincerity, understanding, devotion. Things like love.
Oh, I know that Love is a dirty word to you, especially concerning anything we did together. Sure, there was passion. But it was the dark, destructive, painful passion that slowly eats you from the inside out until all that´s left is hatred and a need to obliterate anything that might remind you of the lighter, happier times there may have been. It was that passion that first drew me to you, you know. It was like an invisible force, elusive but oh, so powerful. I tried to resist it, resist you. But you sure knew what you were doing, didn´t you. Yeah, you drew me in, whispered forbidden promises in the back of my mind, seduced me with the all the considerable skill you possess. And it was all a game to you. Tell ´em what the want to hear, then take all you can, no apologies, no regrets. Not for you at least. Not for the tender, golden innocent that hides all the twisted malice and rage.
What amazes me is that none of them see it. None of them dare to look past the face you present to the world. I´d almost think they were afraid of what they might find, if they weren´t so blind and trusting.
I tried to talk to you about it once, remember? I tried to tell you that I couldn´t hide, I couldn´t pretend anymore. I tried to tell you that I was falling. We weren´t playing for convenience anymore. At least I wasn´t. It meant more to me that that. I don´t think I can ever forget the smile you gave me. It can´t even be called a smile. It was more cruel and more vicious than anything I´ve ever seen. Angelus would have been proud. You sneered, you laughed, you ripped my pride, my heart and what was left of my mind to pieces and burned them to nothing. The scary part is, I think gave you more pleasure than any orgasm, any physical experience you´ve had before.
Of course I avoided you after that. For a while anyway. But it hurt so much without you. I kept trying to tell myself that it was a mistake, you didn´t mean it. I wasn´t pathetic enough to actually crawl back and beg you. Oh, I wanted to, don´t think I didn´t. But it was too hard when I saw the scorn and hatred, the perverse pleasure you took in my continued suffering. And you covered it all up so nicely, played such a pretty song and dance for the others so they wouldn´t suspect a thing. Told such sweet lies that they never once asked me about it. Not that they would ever bother in the first place. I´m the outcast, I´m the tolerated one. You knew that, and that´s why you played with me. Why you took me in, gave me what I wanted most: to feel something again, to know that, for a little while at least, someone wanted –me–. Not that you were serious about it. Not that it meant anything to you besides another notch in your belt, a conquest of submission and pain.
So I sit here and watch the sun rise over the horizon. I ask questions that I know I will never get an answer for, while seeing the dark skies quickly lighten and the reds and golds spill through the trees surrounding the cemetery. I wait on top of the crypt and feel the tingle, the heat begin to wash over my body and I wonder if this was what you´d intended all along. And as I feel the burning start and I feel my body give way to the ashes, I have to whisper it one last time to the wind and earth and sky.
"I love you, Xander."
The End
